Quad's Humour Thread

[nivrip]

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer from NY, went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence.


As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.


The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."


The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."


The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."


The lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?"


The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."


The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.


The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!


His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.


The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


(I love this part)


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


Don’t you just love old people

 

[nivrip]

A man in a hot air balloon [FONT=Arial, sans-serif]realisedhe was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

[/FONT]

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be a politician”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

​

 

[nivrip]

Questions with no apparent answers:

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"

8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.


Six great confusions still unresolved.

1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?

2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

Vagaries of English Language!

Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

How come Noses run and Feet smell?

Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?


Did you know that if you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.


Did you notice that there were only four confusions in the Six Great Confusions section?

 

[Quadophile]

Thank you for keeping the flame alive

 

[nivrip]

Thank you for keeping the flame alive

No problem, Quad. Always like a bit of humour. It's said to be the best medicine.

 

[nivrip]

An Instance Of Flawless, Linear Logic
by a 4 year old child.

Boy (aged 4): Dad, I’ve decided to get married...!
Dad: Wonderful! Do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... It's grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....
And she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!
Dad: That’s nice. But we have a small problem there!!

Boy: What problem?
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!?

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

 

[Abarbarian]

Happy Easter folks.

 

[Abarbarian]

 

[Abarbarian]

 

[Quadophile]

Ordering Pizza In 2020


CALLER:

Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialled the wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza
with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives
on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database,
you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source,
which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.
I'm going to an island without an Internet, or cable TV,
where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but Alexa says you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago???? !!!!

 

[nivrip]

Mothers will be mothers!


Columbus's mother.
I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written.

Michelangelo 's mother
Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

Albert Einstein 's mother
Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?

Thomas Edison 's mother
Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.

Mona Lisa's mother
After all the money your father and I spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give us?

 

[Abarbarian]

 

[nivrip]

 

[Quadophile]

 

[nivrip]

 

[nivrip]

Kids are always funny.



Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. if you know the bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Caithness school test.


Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.


1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.


2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.


3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.


4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.


5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.


6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.


7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.


8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.


9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.


10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.


11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.


12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.


13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.


14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.


15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.


16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.


17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.


18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.


19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.


20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.


21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.


22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.


23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.


24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.


25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


--


Stay safe.

 

[Quadophile]

 

[nivrip]

 

[Quadophile]

 

[Quadophile]