Quad's Humour Thread


nivrip

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THE LAST BASTIONS OF
MALE SUPREMACY?

New sign in the Bank reads:‘
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’


*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.


:D
 

nivrip

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AFFAIRS

1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.

One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary..
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying b******!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair


A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.

'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
As he entered the room..

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair


A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace..
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


:D
 

nivrip

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His Last Round of Golf


While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.

She said, " Please follow me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I'll help you upright the cart later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come on now," she insisted. " We need to see if you have any more scrapes and treat them if so". Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very, very persuasive.

Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We walked to her place just a 100 yards away, and after a couple of Scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."

:D
 

nivrip

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An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied:
"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

:eek:
 

nivrip

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Grandfather of the year!


A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.

The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long—easy, boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say: "It's okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," says the grandpa, "but I am William. This little b******'s name is Kevin."
 

nivrip

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Three contractors are asked to bid to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing Street.

One contractor is from Birmingham, another is from Liverpool, and the third is from London. All three meet with a civil servant in Downing Street.

The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures and says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says. "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me."

The bloke from London doesn't bother to do any measuring or calculations; he just leans over to the civil servant and whispers, "I'll do it for £2,700."

The civil servant is understandably incredulous, and says, "You didn't even measure like the others ! How did you come up with such a high estimate ?"

The London bloke whispers back, “£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job." "Done!" replies the civil servant.

Now do you see how Carillion went under, leaving the taxpayer with the bills ?
 

nivrip

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Marriage and Marijuana in Canada, the government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:
1. Legalized gay marriage

2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!.
 

nivrip

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TOMBSTONES

Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
******************************
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
****************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast. .
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
****************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.
*****************************
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God
*****************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
******************************
Last, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
 

nivrip

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Meghan Markle is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.

She enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of
injury or illness.

She greets one. The patient replies:
Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.


Meghan is confused, so she just grins and moves on to the
next patient.
The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.


Even more confused, and her grin now rictus-like, the
Duchess moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle


Now seriously troubled, Meghan turns to the accompanying
doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit'.

:D
 
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I'm sure that I don't get this because I'm from the USA. I noticed that Burns was capitalized.
Would somebody be so kind as to expain this one to me? :confused:
 

nivrip

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Robbie Burns, famous Scottish writer and poet, 1759 - 1796. Although he wrote in English it was with an extremely strong Scottish dialect which makes it just about incomprehensible to anyone outside of Scotland.

Burns is highly revered in Scotland and they celebrate Burns Night every January 25 with a Burns Supper. A haggis is piped into the room, his famous "Address To A Haggis" is read out and it is then cut open and eaten. Lots of alcohol is consumed, usually Scotch Whisky, toasts are made and the evening ends with the singing of "Auld Lang Syne"

Hope that helps. :D
 

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I'm not a great one for posting chucklefunnies but came across this one which raised a chortle:

I was stood next to this guy in the gym changing room yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was drying off so he put it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway what a smug b*****d!
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I’m out shopping now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this f*****g phone belongs to?"
 

nivrip

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1 - Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book
has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book!!”



******

2 - A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called
‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

3 - Someone asked an old man: “Even after 79 years, you still call your
wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

4 - Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an
anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !

******

5 - For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humor ??
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the
best woman ever. Next moment he got Swiss mineral water & Mother Teresa.

******

6 - There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make
wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Many get
married and wonder what happened!?

******

7 - Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

******

8 - Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

******

9 - COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to
handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot
of improvement!?

******

10 - When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means
is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

******

11 - A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his
sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "

:D
 

nivrip

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Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
___
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass Is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
____
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
T he doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
____

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
__
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The Graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
____
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a local council civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
____
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
____
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back Into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's way cool."
 

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