Quad's Humour Thread

[muckshifter]

what is Brexit?

 

[nivrip]

Who dunnit...
Old one but topical, finish reading it completely

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

"Bishop, who was this man?".


"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,


"but his face rings a bell"



WAIT! WAIT! There's more .. . ..


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said,

"Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.".

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?

Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."


"He's a dead ringer for his brother"

 

[Quadophile]

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

 

[Quadophile]

Which composer likes tea the most?

Chai-kovsky.

 

[Quadophile]

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

 

[Quadophile]

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

 

[Quadophile]

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

 

[Quadophile]

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

 

[nivrip]

Paddy asks, “Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night?"​

​

Mick replies, “He was absolute rubbish.
Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out !”

​

 

[Abarbarian]

Why did Karl Marx like herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft

 

[Urmas]

Why did Karl Marx like herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft

Quite frankly terrible, yet udderly brilliant.

 

[nivrip]

THE KING WANTED TO GO FISHING, AND HE ASKED THE ROYAL WEATHER FORECASTER
THE FORECAST FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS.

THE PALACE METEOROLOGIST ASSURED HIM THAT THERE WAS NO CHANCE OF RAIN.

SO THE KING AND THE QUEEN WENT FISHING. ON THE WAY HE MET A MAN WITH A
FISHING POLE RIDING ON A DONKEY, AND HE ASKED THE MAN IF THE FISH WERE BITING.
THE FISHERMAN SAID, "YOUR MAJESTY, YOU SHOULD RETURN TO THE PALACE!
IN JUST A SHORT TIME I EXPECT A HUGE RAIN STORM."

THE KING REPLIED: "I HOLD THE PALACE METEOROLOGIST IN HIGH REGARD.
HE IS AN EDUCATED AND EXPERIENCED PROFESSIONAL. BESIDES, I PAY HIM
WELL.. HE GAVE ME A VERY DIFFERENT FORECAST. I TRUST HIM."

SO THE KING CONTINUED ON HIS WAY.
HOWEVER, IN A SHORT TIME A TORRENTIAL RAIN FELL FROM THE SKY. THE
KING AND QUEEN WERE TOTALLY SOAKED.

FURIOUS, THE KING RETURNED TO THE PALACE AND GAVE THE ORDER TO FIRE
THE METEOROLOGIST.

THEN HE SUMMONED THE FISHERMAN AND OFFERED HIM THE PRESTIGIOUS
POSITION OF ROYAL FORECASTER.

THE FISHERMAN SAID, "YOUR MAJESTY, I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
FORECASTING. I OBTAIN MY INFORMATION FROM MY DONKEY. IF I SEE MY
DONKEY'S EARS DROOPING, IT MEANS WITH CERTAINTY THAT IT WILL RAIN."

SO THE KING HIRED THE DONKEY.

AND SO BEGAN THE PRACTICE OF HIRING DUMB ASSES TO WORK IN
INFLUENTIAL POSITIONS OF GOVERNMENT.

THE PRACTICE IS UNBROKEN TO THIS DAY.

 

[Abarbarian]

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....

 

[nivrip]

 

[Quadophile]

 

[nivrip]

This one is definitely non-PC.

But I find it amusing.

 

[Quadophile]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

 

[nivrip]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake and Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .
Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because yer father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya stupid idiot!"

 

[Quadophile]

Pun-ography

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

[nivrip]

If at first you don't succeed… make sure nobody finds out you tried!

If at first you don't succeed… skydiving’s not for you.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

No one ever says, 'It's only a game” when their team is winning.

Why, if you send something by road, is it called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

Not everything that can be counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted. (Einstein)

History may not repeat itself, but it often rhymes. (Mark Twain)