Quad's Humour Thread


nivrip

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Tesco.JPG


:D
 
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Abarbarian

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Bearing in mind I am a Python fan. I found these news reports so so funny.

Presidential Debate Gives Haunting Insight Into How Incompetent The 328 Million Others Must Be

Our reporter nodded their head.

“How can that be the best of the best? Biden is 77 and Trump is 74, my god.”

“I know we can’t exactly talk here in Australia, but we’ve only got like 25 million people.”

“God, the future looks bright."

America Calls Upon The Only Man Capable Of Moderating The Next Debate Between Biden And Trump

After nearly two years in retirement, Jerry Springer will return to adjudicating low brow arguments in the next two presidential debates on October 15 and 22 in Miami, Florida, and Nashville, Tennessee, respectively.

Trump Family Records More Cases Of Community Transmission Than Entire State Of Queensland

In some breaking news from the United States Of America, Donald and Melania Trump have officially recorded more cases of community transmission than the entire state of Queensland.

New Zealand, after copping shit from the President a few weeks back have also been quick to let the world now that the Trump family is responsible for more new cases of COVID than their entire nation.

Donald Trump was surprisingly unavailable for comment.

Fears Grow For Trump’s Ability To Overcome COVID-19 As An Obese, Elderly, Low-Income American

As an obese and elderly American, President Trump sits within one of the most susceptible demographic to this fatal virus that has killed of 200,000 of his citizens.

Following the release of Donald Trump’s tax returns last week, concerns are also growing about his status as a low-income American.

Paired with his poor diet, unhealthy lifestyle, age and a coronavirus diagnosis – Trump’s status as a low-income American means he might not see out the rest of the week.

A spokesperson for the White House has said that the Trump Administration are now taking the virus very seriously, and that maybe masks weren’t just a left wing ploy to control conservatives.

They have also reiterated how lucky Trump is to not be African-American, because that would only shorten his odds, statistically.

Melania should be fine.

President Trump Spotted Sprinting Towards The White House Laundry With A Syringe In Hand

syringe-syringe.jpg


With a syringe in hand the husky President appeared to be making tracks for The White House laundry, in an effort to stop the virus before it took control of his body.

Mr Trump made the announcement on Twitter after confirming his senior aide Hope Hicks had tested positive for the highly contagious disease that he had previously described as a democrat hoax and has done almost everything in his power to not contain.

No offence meant and I hope Trump and Melanie recover.

:lol:
 
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nivrip

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Understanding Engineers 1


Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."


The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers 2


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers 3


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers 4


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers 5


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?


Understanding Engineers 6


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.


Understanding Engineers 7


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."


And Finally


Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.
 

Quadophile

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Some people have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology...

here it is - please pay attention and learn....

Artery : The study of paintings

Bacteria : Back door to cafeteria

Barium : What doctors do when patients die

Benign : What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section : A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan : Searching for Kitty

Cauterize : Made eye contact with her

Coma : A punctuation mark

Dilate : To live long

Enema : Not a friend

Fester : Quicker than someone else

Fibula : A small lie

Impotent : Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain : Getting hurt at work

Morbid : A higher offer

Nitrates : Rates of Pay for Working at Night,

Node : I knew it

Outpatient : A person who has fainted

Pelvis : Second cousin to Elvis

Secretion : Hiding something

Seizure : Roman Emperor

Tablet : A small table

Terminal Illness : Getting sick at the airport

Tumor : One plus one more

Urine : Opposite of you're out

LAUGHTER IS INDEED THE BEST MEDICINE for sanity.
 
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