Our reporter nodded their head.
“How can that be the best of the best? Biden is 77 and Trump is 74, my god.”
“I know we can’t exactly talk here in Australia, but we’ve only got like 25 million people.”
“God, the future looks bright."
After nearly two years in retirement, Jerry Springer will return to adjudicating low brow arguments in the next two presidential debates on October 15 and 22 in Miami, Florida, and Nashville, Tennessee, respectively.
In some breaking news from the United States Of America, Donald and Melania Trump have officially recorded more cases of community transmission than the entire state of Queensland.
New Zealand, after copping shit from the President a few weeks back have also been quick to let the world now that the Trump family is responsible for more new cases of COVID than their entire nation.
Donald Trump was surprisingly unavailable for comment.
As an obese and elderly American, President Trump sits within one of the most susceptible demographic to this fatal virus that has killed of 200,000 of his citizens.
Following the release of Donald Trump’s tax returns last week, concerns are also growing about his status as a low-income American.
Paired with his poor diet, unhealthy lifestyle, age and a coronavirus diagnosis – Trump’s status as a low-income American means he might not see out the rest of the week.
A spokesperson for the White House has said that the Trump Administration are now taking the virus very seriously, and that maybe masks weren’t just a left wing ploy to control conservatives.
They have also reiterated how lucky Trump is to not be African-American, because that would only shorten his odds, statistically.
Melania should be fine.
With a syringe in hand the husky President appeared to be making tracks for The White House laundry, in an effort to stop the virus before it took control of his body.
Mr Trump made the announcement on Twitter after confirming his senior aide Hope Hicks had tested positive for the highly contagious disease that he had previously described as a democrat hoax and has done almost everything in his power to not contain.
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