Quad's Humour Thread

[bootneck02]

 

[Taffycat]

....

 

[spartanewbie]

Little Green Grass Snakes ARE Dangerous!

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
​

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

 

[spartanewbie]

 

[bootneck02]

 

[EvanDavis]

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note …

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note …

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a Monk's Habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter …



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a Toffee Apple

 

[Anon_F]

 

[Anon_F]

 

[bootneck02]

 

[nivrip]

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

 

[bootneck02]

 

[nivrip]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Four Horse".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

 

[bootneck02]

 

[Anon_F]

I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tesco.
He was complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction...........time to get my hat & coat!!

And remember........................

 

[nivrip]

Remember, when you have a wrecked aisle dysfunction.......................

 

[V_R]

New fragrance from Dior:

 

[Becky]

Haha! Seen this before, but it always makes me chuckle Once you've seen it you cannot un-see it though - consequently every time I see the advert I think of sausage.

 

[nivrip]

BAGPIPES

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

 

[nivrip]

Some Irish jokes, no offence to the Irish. ( I'm part Irish myself).



Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.”
"Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

[bootneck02]