thinkin'

[floppybootstomp]

Ok, just posted this elsewhere, let's try it on you

Cuss word edited

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1974, I was walking from our rented caravan, on my own, along country lanes to the local pub. I thought to myself that this place, north Cornwall, is beautiful and I felt kinda privileged.

But I’m not a country boy, I’m a city boy born and bred and as I walked it occurred to me that maybe I felt lonely. I walked along these leafy lanes, it was very very quiet apart from the birds singing. Looked to my left, sun going down over some fields, looked to my right, a big expanse of ocean, the English Channel. Beautiful.

Yet still a sense of isolation.

No noise, no exhaust fumes, no constant murmur of conversation, no occasional dialogue to confrontation, no emergency services vehicles sirens. This was not home.

I got to the pub, ordered a pint, sat there, smoked a cigarette, smiled at the locals, they smiled back but their eyes showed it wasn’t genuine. I figured they must have gone back generation after generation and despite it being November, which meant I wasn’t a tourist, I still felt an outcast.

I was the only one who went out that evening, the three mates of mine I shared the caravan with decided to stay in for the evening.

The idea was to somehow get through the winter then spend another summer, from late February onwards anyway, surfing, beach parties, pussy, all the good things.

But as I sat there, although I was at ease, accepted, I just knew it wasn’t home.

Ten days later, my van was scrapped, farmer used it as hay storage, so I was told, spent all I had on another van, drove back to London, actually stole money to buy the gas. Yes, I know, bad, but I had nothing and I was desperate.

We got there, me and me mate Terry, he back to parents and me my sister put up for a while before I got a job driving a delivery truck and rented a studio flat. Studio flat = 1 room apartment, bedist, whatever.

December, rain, cold, but I was home. This is my city, this is my home, this is my place.

Never went back to Cornwall permanently, sad to say, stayed here, married twice, kinda messed up but hey, it’s been kinda good, known a lotta good times, seen a lotta good things, met a lotta good people. Thinking about them brings a smile.

Wonder what would have happened had I stayed in Cornwall?

And I’ll never ever forget Helen, the most perfect figure in this universe, sex on a stick, lol

Oh well, rambling over, you ever get to thinking about things?

If so, share

 

[cirianz]

Hmmmm... Thinking about might-have beens, yeah. I've got a few. But the biggest one throughout all my life has been if I never developed Epilepsy. Not about all the things i can't do (although i would like to be able to get a licence ) because for the most part I came to terms with that a long time ago. Everyone lives their lives within limitations & everyone's limitations are different. In the end it's up to us to find those limitations, stretch them to screaming, & live the best life we can .

But I do wonder & have always wondered, who would I be & what would I have been capable of if I hadn't had to take these pills all this time. I was 13/14 when they first put me on them. Old enough to notice the difference. My maths scores dropped overnight (literally) from 98% to 64% I couldn't play chess anymore & I couldn't think in all sorts of ways any more. But I can remember being able to think that way & still my brain will try But it just won't quite fold that way.

& it effects my memory but not all types of memory, certain types of memory are now below average. One scored 80 using the WAISS Memory test (They did all these test on me a few years ago), which if you check on an IQ scale then one point lower would put it into the section labeled retarded. But I'm afraid I can't remember which type of memory it was
The cocktail of AntiEpileptics I'm on are sedatives & designed to slow my metabolism (which they seem to do quite well) on the theory that if my brain slows down then so will the rate of siezures. & I do have fewer siezures than before.

But sometimes I do wonder what I might've been capable of without this mess of poisons in my blood. When I was younger I was somewhat bitter about it. Then a very wise person pointed out to me that, without this mess of poisons I would be dead.

Nearly died so many times even at the rate of siezures that I have now that I have no doubt about that.
& whatever might've been, I've had a very good, extremely interesting (in the sense of the old Chinese curse ) & often happy Life.
& even with all the stuff that has happend you couldn't pay me enough to go back & do it all again. & you couldn't pay me enough to unlearn what I've learned. To not have met some of the people I've met. To not have experienced the things I've experienced. Even the pain.
I have had such a good life.
I wouldn't trade it in, even if I could've had the happiest storybook life you can think of.

 

[phicksus]

cirianz your post made me cry. You sound so much Sarah when you were a child. Kid went from perfect straight A child to now failing with lots of behaviour problems at school. Just seems like she lost alot of her abilities and she just isn't as independent as the other kids anymore. Just seems there has to be a easier way but haven't found it yet.

Floppys I don't usually think about the what if's or could haves. Too many to think about and I'm sure my life would be much different. The choices I made are mine. Even the bad ones I got something good from it and carry that with me. When I wouldn't have had it otherwise. So I try not to think about those things and think more about what if for today.

 

[murdoch]

I'm off to stay with some friends in Southern France for a 3 or 4 months, they are both teetotal so will give me time not to drink, get my head sorted out and look to see where lifes path will take me next.

 

[floppybootstomp]

...and look to see where lifes path will take me next.

Turn left and you'll end up at the Italian Riviera, it's nice there

 

[cirianz]

cirianz your post made me cry. You sound so much Sarah when you were a child. Kid went from perfect straight A child to now failing with lots of behaviour problems at school. Just seems like she lost alot of her abilities and she just isn't as independent as the other kids anymore. Just seems there has to be a easier way but haven't found it yet.

Don't cry for me Patty, my life has been different than it might've been, but it has been a good life nevertheless & as I said, I wouldn't trade it for any other.

If you think any part of what I said will help Sarah then please feel free to use it. It is tremendously frustrating to suddenly find that you can't think in ways you are used to doing automatically. To feel as if your own mind has betrayed you. & that no matter how hard you try you just can't 'get' some things that used to be easy & that everyone else understands without effort. I spent years convinced that I was stupid. It wasn't until I was an adult that I really began to learn otherwise. Let her know that she's not alone & it's not her fault & that it will improve as she gets older.
It can also be good to encourage her to explore subjects that require Lateral &/or intuitive thinking. The school system mostly works on training verbal & linear thinking. As she gets older & out into the real world she will discover that, in real life being able to think Laterally, conceptually & intuitively will mean that she is actually better suited to advance in many careers where a Linear thinker can only ever be 'just another suit'.
She may also become skilled at Logical thinking if she develops it as well which can be very useful. & also creative visualisation is another area to explore (& I don't mean the psyco-babble type, I mean able to visualise 3 dimensional images & to rotate images in her head so that she can shift her point of view at will). These are areas of thought that are largely unaffected by the medications & areas that are extreemly useful in a wide variety of careers & which most people don't really begin to seriously develop (if at all) until after they've left school. Learning to use these areas of her mind at this stage can give her a major advantage over many of her schoolmates in the workforce.
The chances are that she will never be very good at mathematics & the aspects of physics that deal largely with that type of thinking, no matter how hard she tries. Although, ironically since generally the more conceptual aspects of physics are not explored at school & you need to pass it at school to study it at Varsity, she is likely to be very good at conceptual physics. Many Epileptics have a major advantage at conceptual thinking in that we pass through a stage, while coming around after a seizure, where we are unable to think verbaly at all & can only grasp things as concepts. (Although many people don't remember this later & for some it doesn't happen at all.)

There are a lot of very good books out there on developing different types of thinking.
It may sound cliche, but the trick really is to focus on what you can do & develop those areas of yourself. You don't say what age she is but if she can start on this young then that is even better. Most of this I only discovered piece by piece & through trial & error over decades. I wish I'd known it younger. Would've saved me a lot of blind alleyways
If you think it would help Sarah to talk to me then I am more than happy. It can definitely help to know that you're not the only one that this has happened to. PM me & I'll give you my email addy.


sorry for hijacking your thread Flops

 

[floppybootstomp]

sorry for hijacking your thread Flops

No problem youse all carry on

 

[phicksus]

Ciri she will be 7 in December. Really is hard now because those early years of learning to read and such are critical. Is just hard to get those back once they are gone. I got her test scores from last year back and nationwide she was in almost the top 10% now she is failing. Is like the information is still there but she just can't access it anymore. Academics always came easy to her. You never had to really teach her anything she just knew the material. She has taken a big step backwards now and math ability is none existence and her handwriting is so horrible she is having to relearn that at well. Reading ability seems to be intact but her attention span is so bad she doesn't retain what she reads. She is every teachers nightmare in the class. Constantly up and going distracts all the other students the entire day. I get lots of calls from school. The school & her neurologists think she is ADD now as well. She is on Keppra now and she doesn't seemed drugged anymore but all the other is still there. She was on Topamax for a while and it was horrible. The meds do stop the seizures but as you know the side effects can be another nightmare of their own. They are doing some extra work in the class with her and if that doesn't help after Xmas they will try to assign her an aide to be with her during school. She isn't like the other kids anymore. She seems younger than the others and just isn't as independent as before and needs constant supervision and someone to keep her going at school. Just is hard to see her go though all this. She is such a loving & outgoing child. She still loves school though and seems to bounce back from set backs easily. I think that attitude will carry her a long way.

Sorry Floppys