Quad's Humour Thread
- Thread starter Quadophile
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It is an honour to know that I can make people have a hearty laugh once in a while.
I have decided to continue with the posting of jokes on a regular basis.
Thank you very much for the acknowledgements and appreciation.
Rush your rating the thread is very much appreciated
Sincerely,
The Joker @ PC Review
I have decided to continue with the posting of jokes on a regular basis.
Thank you very much for the acknowledgements and appreciation.
Rush your rating the thread is very much appreciated
Sincerely,
The Joker @ PC Review
cirianz
Chatter Box
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I'm with you rush & gave it a 5 star rating as well.
although had trouble with the rating mech. first it said it couldn't do it due to an error & to try again later, but then when i went back to try again it told me I'd already voted
so I'm not really sure if my vote went through or not... but either way this thread definitely deserves all the stars it can get. Thank you quads 
although had trouble with the rating mech. first it said it couldn't do it due to an error & to try again later, but then when i went back to try again it told me I'd already voted
so I'm not really sure if my vote went through or not... but either way this thread definitely deserves all the stars it can get. Thank you quads 
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Thank you Quads for all your posts 
has this been made a sticky yet?
has this been made a sticky yet?
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Two wishes
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits
down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man
says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's
yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man
says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the
exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says
the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls
exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out
of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of
money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits
down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man
says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's
yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man
says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the
exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says
the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls
exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out
of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of
money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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Man and wife
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their
wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you
have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?"
they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight
like a man.'"
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their
wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you
have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?"
they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight
like a man.'"
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Ground crew to pilot
Pilots leave messages for the ground crew on a log, if they have concerns or problems. Here are some of the more amusing log entries, along with the ground crew's answers:
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Pilots leave messages for the ground crew on a log, if they have concerns or problems. Here are some of the more amusing log entries, along with the ground crew's answers:
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
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You should have seen some of my ground crew logs ...
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Heads or Tails?
A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false.
The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.
But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false.
The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.
But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
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Chalk Mark
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
Chalk mark .............................. $1
Knowing where to put the chalk mark ... $49,999
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
Chalk mark .............................. $1
Knowing where to put the chalk mark ... $49,999
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~~~ Absolute Confidence! ~~~
At a computer software course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. The instructor asked the lone brave man why he would be so content to stay on board.
"With my team's software," he reasoned, "the plane would be unlikely to successfully taxi to the runway, let alone take off."
At a computer software course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. The instructor asked the lone brave man why he would be so content to stay on board.
"With my team's software," he reasoned, "the plane would be unlikely to successfully taxi to the runway, let alone take off."
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Naming the twins
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
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Car Privileges
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."