Quad's Humour Thread


Ian

Administrator
Joined
Feb 23, 2002
Messages
19,208
Reaction score
1,110
Haha :lol: That last one is brilliant!
 
Ad

Advertisements

Joined
Jan 14, 2006
Messages
12,268
Reaction score
283
What about this one:lol:



Two sisters - one blonde, one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their cattle stock. When leaving to check out a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister, "Now, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out to me and help me haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the other ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
After paying him $599, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says,

"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought the bull. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator said "That's fine, and it'll cost 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left, meaning she'll only be able to send her sister a one-word message. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "OK, I want you to send her the word...'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you only send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "Because my sister's a blonde. The word's much too big for her, so she'll read it slowly.....and out loud....("com-for-da-bul")."
 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Don't Lie to Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."





 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.





 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
The Soccer Stars

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"




 
Ad

Advertisements

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Placing Your Order

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."




 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
The Mexican

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,

I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'




 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!
The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed,
I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is in the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.




 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Green, Pink and Yellow

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"



 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Grand Delusions

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."





:D
:D
 
Ad

Advertisements

cirianz

Chatter Box
Joined
Oct 6, 2005
Messages
2,386
Reaction score
5
ROFL :D I especially like the chicken one :lol:

COLONEL SANDERS:

Enough of those herbs & spices & they cain't tell if theyz a walking or a flying even. Let alone how many roads there might be 'tween here & there.... drumstick anyone? :D
 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Performance Reviews

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."





 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Italian customs

[font="]Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with two guys ina Uno."



[/font]
 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Letter from home

[font="]Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved.

About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 5,000 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain and I haven't seen the shirts since.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know whether you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at Dublin's Brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took us three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's Day.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First for four days and then for three days. Monday it was so windy that one of our hens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last instalment wasn't paid on your grandmother within seven days . . . UP SHE COMES!

Your loving mother

P.S. I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope.



[/font]
 
Ad

Advertisements

Joined
Aug 20, 2005
Messages
1,597
Reaction score
0
Quadophile said:
[font="]
Your loving mother

P.S. I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope.



[/font]
something my mother would typically do :rolleyes: :lol:
 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
E-Mail Errors..

[font=&quot]It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.





[/font]
 

Quadophile

Hon. Acoustical Engineer
Moderator
Joined
Mar 16, 2002
Messages
6,066
Reaction score
249
Drunk

[font="]A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.[/font][font="]

However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said
[/font][font="]with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."




[/font]
 
Ad

Advertisements


Ask a Question

Want to reply to this thread or ask your own question?

You'll need to choose a username for the site, which only take a couple of moments. After that, you can post your question and our members will help you out.

Ask a Question

Similar Threads

Rush`s Humour thread (sorry Quad) 3
Quad's Music Thread 32
Quad's comedy video thread 130
Bit of humour 8
A Little Humour 3
Christian Humour 3
Engineers Humour 6
A Little Humour 1

Top