Quad's Humour Thread

[Quadophile]

A Stone's Throw

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.

"It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

 

[Quadophile]

Professionals' Baby Names

PROFESSION / NAME​

Steam shovel operator's son / Doug
Hair stylist's son / Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son / Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter / Mary
Sound stage technician's son / Mike

​

 

[Quadophile]

Sister Assist

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

 

[Quadophile]

Funeral March?

"Funeral Music"At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
​

One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."

Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

 

[muckshifter]

"Funeral Music"At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
​

One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."

Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

... I think I'll have that played at mine, shame I won't 'see' the reaction.

 

[cirianz]

"Funeral Music"At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
​

One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."

Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

You beat me to it mucks

Yeah, have to admit I would enjoy that one... especially the next lines

"address unknown,
No such number..."

Reckon half my rellies would be having hysterics by then, although it might be a bit hard to tell which ones where P*ssng themselves Laughing & which were screaming Blasphemy

 

[Quadophile]

Geek Identity

You know you are a geek when . . .

• You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
• You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
• You check your web access_page more than once a day.
• You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
• Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
• Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C."

 

[Quadophile]

Las Vegas Casinos vs.. Catholic Churches

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed!

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks. Didn't see it coming, did you?

 

[Quadophile]

Family with 9 kids

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

 

[Rush]

Brilliant Quad ....keep em coming M8 ..

Make it a good en next ..my 1000th post deserves some applause or a celebratory drink (free) at the Tavern

 

[Quadophile]

A "Worm" Reply in honour of Rush's 1000 posts!

Brilliant Quad ....keep em coming M8 ..

Make it a good en next ..my 1000th post deserves some applause or a celebratory drink (free) at the Tavern

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation: "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"







Hope you liked it

 

[Rush]

Like it i did


1000 posts


Thanks Quad

 

[cirianz]

ROTFL Good one quads

& congrats rush... definitely a drink for 1000 posts... see ya down the pub

 

[Quadophile]

How To Clean The House

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to th e RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you wantto delete Housework permanently?"

6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
Works for me!

 

[muckshifter]

Oh dear, the tears are rolling ... that, was the best yet.

 

[Quadophile]

Barbecue Season Is Coming!

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:......

10) EVERYONE PRAISES THE MAN AND THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off"; and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....!

 

[cirianz]

ROTFPMSL No comment at all

 

[Quadophile]

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his finances. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And with that she promised him she would follow his wishes.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend asked, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he is welcome to spend it!"

 

[Quadophile]

Second hand almonds

A tour bus takes off with a full load of seniors when a little old lady taps the bus driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture many times. Finally, he asks her why they don't eat the almonds themselves, where upon she replies that it's not possible because of their false teeth. They're not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled;

Whereupon the old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around them!"

 

[Quadophile]

The deaf genie!

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag
on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches
high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls
out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the
bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down
at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a
magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish - just one."

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another
soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and
they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a
little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"