Quad's Humour Thread

[Quadophile]

The first pancake

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral
lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

 

[Quadophile]

The bigger one

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

 

[Quadophile]

A request denied

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

 

[Quadophile]

Cat on the roof

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

 

[Quadophile]

Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

 

[Quadophile]

Nut

Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.

 

[Quadophile]

Don't talk to my parrot

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a
repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day,
she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you a check.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't
bother you.

But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!'

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with
his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer
and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

See? Men just don't listen!

 

[itsme]

That made me LOL Woof woof

 

[Nobody in particular]

Homework

Why parents should always check their children's homework before they hand it in:


A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:


Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This photo is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

 

[muckshifter]

"Some old, some new, all borrowed, non blue!"

"And then the fight started ..."



MY Wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,

well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

*******************************************

 

[Urmas]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

 

[Spiritinthesky]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.' Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'

 

[captain zed]

First joke for me to post.
The nuns were getting broadband fitted in their convent one day. A priest who happened to be visiting said to the technician- "Can they get the porn disabled?". The technician said No ya dirty swearword,they'll get the same as everybody else!!
Zzzzz

 

[Spiritinthesky]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

 

[Madxgraphics]

Mmmmm Quads thread been well and turely highjacked I see....

 

[muckshifter]

Mmmmm Quads thread been well and turely highjacked I see....

?? is not ... Quad started the thread, his intention was so every "joke" could be cataloged here.




Just keep 'em clean ...

 

[Urmas]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

[CrazyComputerMan]

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love, and now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
(Inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) Almost lifelike!

When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

 

[Urmas]

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

 

[CrazyComputerMan]

Good one Urmas