Quad's Humour Thread
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.
He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
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A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
" Yes it is," bartender answers.
" Do you have huge golden doors?"
" Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
" Most certainly do."
" What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that ****ed in your saxophone last night!"
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
" Yes it is," bartender answers.
" Do you have huge golden doors?"
" Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
" Most certainly do."
" What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that ****ed in your saxophone last night!"
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
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Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.
Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, one of the other three said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen."
And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"
Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, one of the other three said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen."
And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"
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A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."
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Hmm.. I have collected a dozen jokes... Lemme know whether u guyz like it!!!
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One liner between a teacher and a student!!!
One liner between a teacher and a student!!!
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
One liner between a teacher and a student!!!
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
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The 52 Year old kid....
The 52 Year old kid....
One day early in the morning, a mother goes to wake her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Now get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school," her son asked. And the mother replied.. "Well, for one, you're 52. And for another, you're the principal!"
The 52 Year old kid....
One day early in the morning, a mother goes to wake her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Now get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school," her son asked. And the mother replied.. "Well, for one, you're 52. And for another, you're the principal!"
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George and Bush..
Story about 2 friends.. George and Bush..
George was in the hospital, in his death bed. As Bush stood beside the bed, George's condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Bush lovingly handed him a pen and apiece of paper, and George used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Bush thought its better not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Bush was visting George's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day George died. "You know," he said, " George handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing it, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You idiot.. You're-- standing --on my-- oxygen-- tube!"
Story about 2 friends.. George and Bush..
George was in the hospital, in his death bed. As Bush stood beside the bed, George's condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Bush lovingly handed him a pen and apiece of paper, and George used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Bush thought its better not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Bush was visting George's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day George died. "You know," he said, " George handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing it, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You idiot.. You're-- standing --on my-- oxygen-- tube!"
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John and Charles
John and Charles
Since Mr. John is a billionaire and that hes gonna die in a few days, His son Charles decided that he needs a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home With Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother... Lmao...
John and Charles
Since Mr. John is a billionaire and that hes gonna die in a few days, His son Charles decided that he needs a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home With Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother... Lmao...
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Dont fight wid ur wife over a coffee...
Dont fight wid ur wife over a coffee...
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says....
"HEBREWS"...
Dont fight wid ur wife over a coffee...
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says....
"HEBREWS"...
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My Earzzzz....
My Earzzzz....
A dum guy with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and kept it on my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
My Earzzzz....
A dum guy with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and kept it on my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
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The Dumb Detective..
The Dumb Detective..
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a dum guy, one was Jewish, and the other was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question... When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation. "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man came in, the chief asked the Same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the dum guy comes in, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the dum guy arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?". The dum guy replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.
The Dumb Detective..
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a dum guy, one was Jewish, and the other was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question... When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation. "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man came in, the chief asked the Same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the dum guy comes in, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the dum guy arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?". The dum guy replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.
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navincharles,
Posting a joke once in a while may be considered OK but you almost have hijacked my own thread by posting so many in one go, you can always create your own thread if you are so keen.
I hope you understand
Posting a joke once in a while may be considered OK but you almost have hijacked my own thread by posting so many in one go, you can always create your own thread if you are so keen.
I hope you understand
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Sorry!!!
Ahh.. I thought this topic is for every1 to post in their jokes and entertain others.. I m so sorry....I m wrong.. Its always ur thread... I will not post in this topic again.. I do understand...
Quadophile said:navincharles,
Posting a joke once in a while may be considered OK but you almost have hijacked my own thread by posting so many in one go, you can always create your own thread if you are so keen.
I hope you understand
Ahh.. I thought this topic is for every1 to post in their jokes and entertain others.. I m so sorry....I m wrong.. Its always ur thread... I will not post in this topic again.. I do understand...
Looking forward to the next round of jokes QuadQuadophile said:navincharles,
Posting a joke once in a while may be considered OK but you almost have hijacked my own thread by posting so many in one go, you can always create your own thread if you are so keen.
I hope you understand