Quad's Humour Thread

[Nobody in particular]

The Corvette

THE CORVETTE

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'



The old gentleman paused. Then said,


'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'


'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.

 

[Nobody in particular]

Rather random MadX lol.

But very funny

 

[captain zed]

Is that why you duplicated it ??? Its gone now but yours aint.
Zzzzz

 

[stevewalter]

Nice thred...........

 

[Quadophile]

I have just about had enough......

Lately I have seen folks posting jokes on this thread which are inappropriate and/or offensive. If you cannot post anything decent than don't post. You just make things difficult for the Mods and you are not helping in keeping things in order.

If you are not potty trained stay away from the thread.

 

[sandywu]

That is great!

 

[nivrip]

Retired but what a guy!

Retired but what a guy!


We should always pause to ponder our unrealized potential....

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and vodka into urine."

 

[Madxgraphics]

Apparntlymy joke may have been inapropriate or offensive..So here goes.
These might be a bit childish, but hey they aren't as described above


[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Why did the hen cross the road ?
To prove she wasn't chicken ![/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]What do you call a man with a tree growing out of his head ?
Ed-ward ![/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]How do you stop a head cold going to your chest ?
Easy - tie a knot in your neck ![/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Why shouldn't you try to swim on a full stomach ?
Because it's easier to swim on a full swimming pool ![/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]What creature sticks to the bottom of sheep ships ?
Baaa-nacles ![/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge ?
See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth ![/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]What is the coldest part of the North Pole ?
An explorer's noes ![/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]What do computer operators eat for lunch ?
Chips ![/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Why is that man standing in the sink ?
He's a tap dancer ![/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Where do rabbits learn to fly ?
In the Hare Force ![/font]

 

[nivrip]

Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide.The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need cyanide?



The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband.



The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, Lord have mercy!



I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband! Thats against the law!



Ill lose my license! Theyll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.



The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now. Thats different. You didnt tell me you had a prescription.

 

[Madxgraphics]

A white horse walks into a bar.
He sits at the bar and gets ready to order when the barman says to him " We have a drink named after you. " The horse looks at the barman and sya back to him " What you have a drink called Eric ?"

 

[Urmas]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

 

[captain zed]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

That's the cheesiest joke ever !!!!

 

[Madxgraphics]

How did the butcher introduce his wife to his friend Alan ?


Meat Patty.......

 

[nuke123]

How did the butcher introduce his wife to his friend Alan ?


Meat Patty.......

Simple but effective.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." ...

 

[Urmas]

Decisions, decisions:

 

[captain zed]

Yeah, that Trojan was carrying a wood worm.

 

[Quadophile]

Two Catholic Boys

TWO CATHOLIC BOYS​

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.

In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.

 

[Quadophile]

Rudolph the Red nosed raindeer

Back in the days when Russia was known as the USSR and the world was scared of the Red Menace, it was a Christmas Eve. This Russian, named Rudolf, and his wife were standing at the window looking out when it started to precipitate.

"Oh look at the snow Rudolf," his wife said.

"No, look at it," he replied, "that's rain because Rudolf the Red knows rain dear."

 

[Quadophile]

The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.”

The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

“There are many planes coming!” he promptly radioed back.

“Friends or enemies?” the commander demanded urgently.

The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky. “They’re flying very closely together, he replied. “I think they must be friends.”.

 

[Quadophile]

A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains. "So, if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."