The 'Official PCR Bad Joke' Thread!

[Anon_F]

keep them coming TC.

 

[Taffycat]

A new neighbour called the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'

 

[muckshifter]

A new neighbour called the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'

 

[bootneck02]

Another cracker from TC

 

[Quadophile]

TC is on the roll here folks, I ain't competing with her

 

[crazylegs]

The Lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday, its very nice but I think they misunderstood me, when I said I wanna watch..

 

[nivrip]

Why did the apple cry?
Its peelings were hurt.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
What do you call the history of a car?
An autobiography.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A snooker table.
What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back?
Wheeeeee!
What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
If you hadn't been so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!

A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday. So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.

A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Eventually, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff. The next day he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?
Both crews were marooned.
Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing?
He was striking a happy medium.
A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was fired because he couldn't concentrate.

Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

Did you hear about the pilot who went on sick leave? He had the flew.

Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass after drinking too much. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made of himself.

When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees?
In the Ark-hives.
A certain leisure complex had a cinema and a swimming pool. One day, the cinema screen fell into the pool. The owners left it there and used it as a dive-in theatre.

 

[bootneck02]

Oh stop it you are killing me

 

[Quadophile]

I took my car to my mechanic for a checkup. He told me that my battery needs a new car.

==============================================================

A lady took her CD player into the repairman. "I am afraid you have a short circuit," he told her.
She said "I don't care how much it costs, lengthen it."

==============================================================

I gave my nephew a book for his birthday. He went crazy trying to find where to put the batteries.

==============================================================

The red wire said to the black wire "Why are you so sad?"
The black wire replied "I've been grounded."

==============================================================

What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?

Shorts.

==============================================================

Two Antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.

==============================================================

One entrepreneur is explaining to another how he got into business.

"I was afraid to go out on my own, but my former boss gave me a jump start by telling me the most encouraging two words in my life. One day he came into my office and said "You're fired."

===============================================================

With St. Valentine's day coming up I reminded my wife that our romance is very similar in many respects to Romeo and Juliet. Before even meeting me her father wanted to kill me.

===============================================================

 

[Taffycat]

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "Well I can't make it on Tuesdays...."

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

[cirianz]

"camoflage trousers"

 

[Taffycat]

A motorist is making his way down a flooded road after a night of torrential rain. Suddenly he sees a man’s head sticking out of a large puddle. He stops his car and asks the man if he needs a lift. ‘No thanks,’ says the man. ‘I’m on my bike.’

A rambler sees an old rustic character standing in a field holding a short length of rope. ‘What’s the rope for?’ asks the rambler. ‘Tis an old country way of telling the weather,’ says the rustic. ‘And how does it work?’ asks the rambler. ‘Well,’ replies the rustic. ‘When it swings about, it’s windy. And when it’s wet, it’s raining.’

Little Johnny walks into his classroom wearing a single glove. His teacher asks him what he’s doing. ‘Well ma’am,’ says Johnny. ‘I was watching the weather programme on TV and it said it was going to be sunny, but on the other hand it could get quite cold.’

‘Did you enjoy summer this year? It was on a Thursday.’

A blonde goes over to visit one of her friends. While she is at her friend’s house it starts to rain, so her friend suggests she spend the night at her house and go home the next day. The blonde agrees that makes sense and goes into the den to watch TV while her friend goes upstairs to put the kids to bed. When her host comes downstairs, she finds the blonde coming in the front door, soaking wet. She asks, ‘Where have you been?’ ‘I went home to get my pyjamas!’

Did you hear about the man who couldn’t tell what the weather was like because it was too foggy?

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Where can you weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow: ‘Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.’

 

[Taffycat]

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "...a pair of socks!"

 

[Becky]

‘Did you enjoy summer this year? It was on a Thursday.’

Sounds about right!!

 

[Urmas]

Tarzan and Jane were lying in bed early one Sunday morning. Gently, Tarzan rolled over towards Jane and started to give her a playful shoulder massage. “Oh Tarzan”, she said… “Not now dear. I’m still sleepy, and besides, I’m hungry Why don’t you go out and find us something for breakfast.”
Tarzan grudgingly slipped on his loin cloth, stretched his muscular torso, and grabbed the first vine, heading off into the jungle. The sun was shining and all the animals of his kingdom were up and about. Tarzan stopped to talk to the zebras, play with the elephants, and take a swim in the river. He was enjoying the clear jungle morning, and the animals were enjoying his company.
Before long , Tarzan realized he had lost track of time. Jane would be waiting for breakfast, and probably upset that he was not back. He grabbed a vine and started swinging towards his tree top home, looking for something suitable for a breakfast meal. He saw too golden birds fluttering above him, and with a Tarzan-like move he swung around, switched vines, and swooped down on the two golden birds, breaking their necks cleanly and slipping them into his loin cloth. Continuing on his journey home he saw a small chimpanzee loitering on a tree limb. Quickly and silently he grabbed the ape, killed him with a single blow, and slung him over his shoulder (sorry, Cheetah!)
Arriving home, Jane was up, in the kitchen, setting the table. Tarzan proudly slung the chimpanzee onto the kitchen table, and removed the two golden birds from his loin cloth. Taking out his knife, Jane turned, looked at Tarzan and the feast on the table and said….”Oh Tarzan, not Finch and Chimps again”

 

[cirianz]

 

[nivrip]

A hole has appeared in the road in the centre of town .

Police are looking into it.

 

[bootneck02]

A friend of mine sent me this, but read it carefully and watch the spelling

IMAGINE A NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING, IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

 

[Taffycat]

Those are sending me to bed with a good chuckle...

 

[bootneck02]