Quad's Humour Thread

[Quadophile]

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

When William joined he army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

 

[Urmas]

 

[bootneck02]

Both good

 

[Quadophile]

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

 

[Quadophile]

A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born."

 

[Quadophile]

Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams "I’m a star!" Like these actual pet names …



Cats
Cleocatra
Bing Clawsby
Chairman Meow
Alexander the Grey

Dogs
Mary-Louise Barker
Bettie Poops
Virginia Woof
Iggy Pup
Being Courteous

 

[Quadophile]

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there’s no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply.

Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I’m putting on my shoes!"

 

[Quadophile]

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.


"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."


"I know," says the second owner.


"How do you know?"


"My dog told me."

 

[Quadophile]

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.


"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.


"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.


Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.


Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy’s blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try."

 

[Quadophile]

I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles.



"Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries."


"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."

 

[Quadophile]

In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.


"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."


"Nice."


"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."

 

[Quadophile]

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”


“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”


The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

 

[bootneck02]

 

[darcy]

lol ; )

 

[Quadophile]

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this......How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???

There is a two-letter word that perhaps

has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir up trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.


And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth.



When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so .

Time to shut UP .....!

Oh...one more thing:!
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U - P

 

[Quadophile]

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library,DukeUniversity , Durham , NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her ****.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

 

[Quadophile]

Vet School

First-year students at Texas A &M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
the animal body'.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

 

[Becky]

 

[crazylegs]

I liked the vet one..

 

[Abarbarian]

Vet school ------- that is gross