- Joined
- Feb 16, 2009
- Messages
- 2,123
- Reaction score
- 18
Lol.......
Quad's Humour Thread
- Thread starter Quadophile
- Start date
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2002
- Messages
- 6,667
- Reaction score
- 586
One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want it to be one lane or two?
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want it to be one lane or two?
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2010
- Messages
- 5,758
- Reaction score
- 552
so you have met the wife then
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2002
- Messages
- 20,281
- Reaction score
- 1,794
Now stop me if you've heard this before...
Only in America?
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost chicken."
Only in America?
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost chicken."
Urmas
Subarctic Penguin
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2008
- Messages
- 2,412
- Reaction score
- 895
A Glaswegian went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn’t like Glaswegians.
The game warden ordered the Glaswegian to show his hunting license, and the Glaswegian pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?” The Glaswegian reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?”
The Glaswegian reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?”
Again the Glaswegian reached into his wallet and brought out a Nov Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Glaswegian “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Glaswegian smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn’t like Glaswegians.
The game warden ordered the Glaswegian to show his hunting license, and the Glaswegian pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?” The Glaswegian reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?”
The Glaswegian reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?”
Again the Glaswegian reached into his wallet and brought out a Nov Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Glaswegian “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Glaswegian smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2010
- Messages
- 5,758
- Reaction score
- 552
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2002
- Messages
- 6,667
- Reaction score
- 586
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2002
- Messages
- 6,667
- Reaction score
- 586
Who says adam was created first? Here is the real story.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly.
All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly.
All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2002
- Messages
- 6,667
- Reaction score
- 586
I am on page 50 of this thread! I thought I 'd post a few so that all those who have enjoyed contents of this thread could have yet another smile on their faces 
Thank you for making this thread successful.
Thank you for making this thread successful.
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2002
- Messages
- 6,667
- Reaction score
- 586
And the flip side to the coin...
Why God made Eve.....
Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve:
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently
become lost in the garden because he would
not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require
someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy
himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would
therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a
doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night
to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men
would never be able to handle the pain and
discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never
remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when God caught him hiding in the
garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be
alone."
And, finally, the Number 1 reason why
God created Eve....
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He
stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can
do better than that!"
Apple, anyone?
Why God made Eve.....
Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve:
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently
become lost in the garden because he would
not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require
someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy
himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would
therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a
doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night
to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men
would never be able to handle the pain and
discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never
remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when God caught him hiding in the
garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be
alone."
And, finally, the Number 1 reason why
God created Eve....
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He
stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can
do better than that!"
Apple, anyone?
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2002
- Messages
- 6,667
- Reaction score
- 586
[FONT=Book Antiqua, Times New Roman, Times][FONT=Book Antiqua, Times New Roman, Times]Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?"
"Hey, Eve . . .we got forbidden fruit."
"NO WAY."
"Don't eat that fruit ! said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not."
"Did so."
"Did NOT !!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is a reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
[/FONT][/FONT]
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?"
"Hey, Eve . . .we got forbidden fruit."
"NO WAY."
"Don't eat that fruit ! said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not."
"Did so."
"Did NOT !!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is a reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
[/FONT][/FONT]
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2010
- Messages
- 5,758
- Reaction score
- 552
:lo
You have met my wife then Quad
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2002
- Messages
- 20,281
- Reaction score
- 1,794
Well that's an original one for me V_R, lol
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2010
- Messages
- 5,758
- Reaction score
- 552
Oh how true, Brandy & Tazz send their love, I wouldn't know about cats as this is a dog house but my experience with cats in the past that is would be about right for cats 
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2002
- Messages
- 6,667
- Reaction score
- 586
A husband and wife are sitting on the front porch enjoying a glass of wine.
The wife says "I love you..."
The husband looks at her says "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replys "That's me... talking to the wine."
The wife says "I love you..."
The husband looks at her says "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replys "That's me... talking to the wine."
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2010
- Messages
- 5,758
- Reaction score
- 552
I have got to say I think your "Quad's Humour Thread" is great Quad absolutely great, love it I wish I knew some jokes to put on it, but love dipping into it to have a good laugh