J
john
yea, it's that time again... MVP's in training... a primer (revised)
-- apologies in advance to the few MVP's who really ARE worth their weight,
you know who you are... as does everyone else.--
For the rest of you MVP's & "wannabes" in training, here's a few basic
rules:
1) If a poster is having hardware trouble, always respond with "It's YOUR
fault, you should have done you HOMEWORK", regardless of the actual problem.
In fact, reading the entire post isn't even necessary.
- example: "So what if your new $500 "Vista Certified" video card has no
drivers? We never said it would work right NOW, we meant it MIGHT work
LATER." BTW, "Homework" = "Upgrade Advisor", yea, we know it's seriously
flawed, but who cares? We get to laugh at & ridicule those stupid enough to
have trusted it in the first place. It's a "win-win" situation for us if
ever there was one.
2) If a poster is having software trouble, always respond with "It's YOUR
fault, you should have done you HOMEWORK", regardless of the actual problem.
See? Easy isn't it? We went to great lengths to make sure upgraders would
have to buy as much new software (and hardware) as possible. See, we have
this "deal" with the vendors, but don't mention this online, just blame the
vendors instead. They don't care, they're getting rich too. Besides, they
won't say anything if they know what's good for them.
3) If a poster protests or questions your reply, take it up a notch.
Calling a poster stupid is usually sufficient to put them in their place.
How dare they. Better yet, divert all attention by complaining about
something totally unrelated, like top-posting or OT posts. Disparaging
comments about the posters mental state or physical attributes are always a
good way to sidestep any and all issues.
4) If a poster presents evidence that you are full of sh*t, merely sneer and
call them a liar. Always question their sources and present links to OUR
crapola, like the Upgrade Advisor or the Hardware Compatibility List.
Remember, these are what we are paying Marketing for. Use them. Otherwise,
when in doubt, simply lie (see #5).
5) Make stuff up. Technical expertise is not required on your part. Just
reply with baffling diatribes comprised of whatever you can pull out of
your butt. The more mind-numbing stupidity the better, this serves to leave
posters with that "deer in the headlights" look while they try and
comprehend what you just said. At the very least, this ought to keep them
quiet for a while. And whatever you do, never fall into the trap of having
to "prove" you point. Tell the posters to prove theirs instead. We are
above such things.
6) "It works for me". This is quickly becoming the mantra of choice. It's
benefits are twofold; #1) It clearly establishes you as technically superior
to the poster, as well as smarter - go ahead, beat your chest like an ape,
you've earned it. #2) It is just one more way to inform a poster of their
obvious low IQ (see #3 above). Never pass on an opportunity to employ this
tactic. Why? Because as long as we aren't actually going to help anyone, we
may as well provide some sitcom quality entertainment. Good boy, have a
banana.
7) If all else fails, simply call the poster a troll and encourage all your
fanboy buddies to sing along. This is generally the easiest route since
after all, we are Borg of Redmond.
8) Repeat steps 1-7 ad nauseum. Cut & Paste was designed just for this
purpose. Remember, it's not a lie if YOU believe it.
Never forget, this is all part of the grand design, to promote and protect
the Church of Microsoft. Religious zealotry is our way of life, it is in
our hands to seek out and crush the infidels where ever they may be.
Microsoft is NEVER wrong, NEVER at fault. We are the shepherds, upgraders
everywhere are the sheep. When the collection plate passes, feel free to
toss in your balls and your brain. Now bend over, ..attaboy.
* Disclaimer*
Your true mission, while cleverly disguised as "Technical Support" is really
all about noise and damage control.
Microsoft Legal loves you. How else could we possible assemble an army of
mindless unpaid droids to do our dirty work, all while having no official or
legal obligation, not to mention responsibility or accountability?
God Bless America.
--
=======================================
"If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to
defend yourself you should say: "He obviously does not know me very well,
since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned"
- Epictetus
=======================================
-- apologies in advance to the few MVP's who really ARE worth their weight,
you know who you are... as does everyone else.--
For the rest of you MVP's & "wannabes" in training, here's a few basic
rules:
1) If a poster is having hardware trouble, always respond with "It's YOUR
fault, you should have done you HOMEWORK", regardless of the actual problem.
In fact, reading the entire post isn't even necessary.
- example: "So what if your new $500 "Vista Certified" video card has no
drivers? We never said it would work right NOW, we meant it MIGHT work
LATER." BTW, "Homework" = "Upgrade Advisor", yea, we know it's seriously
flawed, but who cares? We get to laugh at & ridicule those stupid enough to
have trusted it in the first place. It's a "win-win" situation for us if
ever there was one.
2) If a poster is having software trouble, always respond with "It's YOUR
fault, you should have done you HOMEWORK", regardless of the actual problem.
See? Easy isn't it? We went to great lengths to make sure upgraders would
have to buy as much new software (and hardware) as possible. See, we have
this "deal" with the vendors, but don't mention this online, just blame the
vendors instead. They don't care, they're getting rich too. Besides, they
won't say anything if they know what's good for them.
3) If a poster protests or questions your reply, take it up a notch.
Calling a poster stupid is usually sufficient to put them in their place.
How dare they. Better yet, divert all attention by complaining about
something totally unrelated, like top-posting or OT posts. Disparaging
comments about the posters mental state or physical attributes are always a
good way to sidestep any and all issues.
4) If a poster presents evidence that you are full of sh*t, merely sneer and
call them a liar. Always question their sources and present links to OUR
crapola, like the Upgrade Advisor or the Hardware Compatibility List.
Remember, these are what we are paying Marketing for. Use them. Otherwise,
when in doubt, simply lie (see #5).
5) Make stuff up. Technical expertise is not required on your part. Just
reply with baffling diatribes comprised of whatever you can pull out of
your butt. The more mind-numbing stupidity the better, this serves to leave
posters with that "deer in the headlights" look while they try and
comprehend what you just said. At the very least, this ought to keep them
quiet for a while. And whatever you do, never fall into the trap of having
to "prove" you point. Tell the posters to prove theirs instead. We are
above such things.
6) "It works for me". This is quickly becoming the mantra of choice. It's
benefits are twofold; #1) It clearly establishes you as technically superior
to the poster, as well as smarter - go ahead, beat your chest like an ape,
you've earned it. #2) It is just one more way to inform a poster of their
obvious low IQ (see #3 above). Never pass on an opportunity to employ this
tactic. Why? Because as long as we aren't actually going to help anyone, we
may as well provide some sitcom quality entertainment. Good boy, have a
banana.
7) If all else fails, simply call the poster a troll and encourage all your
fanboy buddies to sing along. This is generally the easiest route since
after all, we are Borg of Redmond.
8) Repeat steps 1-7 ad nauseum. Cut & Paste was designed just for this
purpose. Remember, it's not a lie if YOU believe it.
Never forget, this is all part of the grand design, to promote and protect
the Church of Microsoft. Religious zealotry is our way of life, it is in
our hands to seek out and crush the infidels where ever they may be.
Microsoft is NEVER wrong, NEVER at fault. We are the shepherds, upgraders
everywhere are the sheep. When the collection plate passes, feel free to
toss in your balls and your brain. Now bend over, ..attaboy.
* Disclaimer*
Your true mission, while cleverly disguised as "Technical Support" is really
all about noise and damage control.
Microsoft Legal loves you. How else could we possible assemble an army of
mindless unpaid droids to do our dirty work, all while having no official or
legal obligation, not to mention responsibility or accountability?
God Bless America.
--
=======================================
"If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to
defend yourself you should say: "He obviously does not know me very well,
since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned"
- Epictetus
=======================================
