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- Mar 16, 2002
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Are you really protected from the threat of new viruses? Check out the following new viruses currently playing havoc on the internet:
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
AIRBAG VIRUS - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.
APPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!
Birthday Virus - Keeps advancing your clock by another year.
Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
CHILD VIRUS - It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.
DEMOCRAT VIRUS - Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".
DIET VIRUS - Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.
DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.
Gallup Poll Virus - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Gridlock Virus - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.
IRS Audit Virus - It comes in with very little warning, digs through all your files then sells all your worldly possessions on Ebay, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.
Joke Virus - poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.
Kafka Virus - Your operating system gradually metamorphosizes into a big hairy bug.
Ken Starr Virus v 1.0 - Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
Linux Virus - Causes the computer to hang for several days while it tracks down hardware drivers, networking how-to's, and window managers. Then it quits, saying that if you had better programming skills, your hard drive would be wiped by now.
MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.
Mario Cuomo Virus - It would be a great Virus, but it refuses to run.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
Michael Jackson Virus v 1.0 - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.
Mom Virus - Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website.
NIKE VIRUS - Just does it.
Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pokemon Virus - Sucks up all your money and only renders 3rd rate animation.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 1.0 - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 2.0 - Rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".
POPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS - Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.
Pornography Virus - Consumes all available hard drive space, but leaves the computer's owner with a warm sense of contented well-being.
PRO-CHOICE VIRUS - Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.
Public Transportation Virus - Makes your browser stop at every website.
Quantum Leap Virus - One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo.
Ralph Nader Virus - Not harmful per se, but perfectly willing to let your system crash just to "teach you a lesson."
REPUBLICAN VIRUS - Sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.
Right to Life Virus v 1.0 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. Prints, “Oh, no, you don't!”, whenever you choose Abort from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Right-To-Life Virus v 2.0 - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.
Right-Wing-Hardliner Virus - Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS - Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.
SEARS VIRUS - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
SHARON STONE VIRUS - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Slacker Virus - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.
SONNY BONO VIRUS - Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
SPICE GIRL VIRUS - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Sprint Virus - Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping.
STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Stephen King Virus - It wipes a fifth of your hard drive, then tells you that if enough people send in a dollar, it will destroy the rest in some surprising, exciting way.
Survivor Viruses - Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
TEENAGER VIRUS - Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.
Tiger Woods Viruses - Assumes pre-eminence over other applications, which are left to operate at consistently humiliating performance levels. Beats you in every computer game you play.
Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down. You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.
TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS - It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.
Tonya Harding Viruses - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. Your
CD-ROM drive randomly ejects in an attempt to bash your knee.
U.N. virus - Annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options "OK, Cancel, Ignore." Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything.
WOODY ALLEN VIRUS - Bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.
X-FILES VIRUS - All your icons start shape-shifting.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
AIRBAG VIRUS - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.
APPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!
Birthday Virus - Keeps advancing your clock by another year.
Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
CHILD VIRUS - It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.
DEMOCRAT VIRUS - Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".
DIET VIRUS - Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.
DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.
Gallup Poll Virus - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Gridlock Virus - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.
IRS Audit Virus - It comes in with very little warning, digs through all your files then sells all your worldly possessions on Ebay, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.
Joke Virus - poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.
Kafka Virus - Your operating system gradually metamorphosizes into a big hairy bug.
Ken Starr Virus v 1.0 - Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
Linux Virus - Causes the computer to hang for several days while it tracks down hardware drivers, networking how-to's, and window managers. Then it quits, saying that if you had better programming skills, your hard drive would be wiped by now.
MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.
Mario Cuomo Virus - It would be a great Virus, but it refuses to run.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
Michael Jackson Virus v 1.0 - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.
Mom Virus - Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website.
NIKE VIRUS - Just does it.
Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pokemon Virus - Sucks up all your money and only renders 3rd rate animation.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 1.0 - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 2.0 - Rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".
POPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS - Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.
Pornography Virus - Consumes all available hard drive space, but leaves the computer's owner with a warm sense of contented well-being.
PRO-CHOICE VIRUS - Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.
Public Transportation Virus - Makes your browser stop at every website.
Quantum Leap Virus - One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo.
Ralph Nader Virus - Not harmful per se, but perfectly willing to let your system crash just to "teach you a lesson."
REPUBLICAN VIRUS - Sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.
Right to Life Virus v 1.0 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. Prints, “Oh, no, you don't!”, whenever you choose Abort from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Right-To-Life Virus v 2.0 - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.
Right-Wing-Hardliner Virus - Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS - Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.
SEARS VIRUS - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
SHARON STONE VIRUS - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Slacker Virus - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.
SONNY BONO VIRUS - Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
SPICE GIRL VIRUS - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Sprint Virus - Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping.
STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Stephen King Virus - It wipes a fifth of your hard drive, then tells you that if enough people send in a dollar, it will destroy the rest in some surprising, exciting way.
Survivor Viruses - Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
TEENAGER VIRUS - Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.
Tiger Woods Viruses - Assumes pre-eminence over other applications, which are left to operate at consistently humiliating performance levels. Beats you in every computer game you play.
Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down. You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.
TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS - It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.
Tonya Harding Viruses - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. Your
CD-ROM drive randomly ejects in an attempt to bash your knee.
U.N. virus - Annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options "OK, Cancel, Ignore." Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything.
WOODY ALLEN VIRUS - Bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.
X-FILES VIRUS - All your icons start shape-shifting.
