Jokes Thread - Part III

[itsme]

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
======================================================
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
=============================================
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

[thamenace]

Pope and the Limo

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,

"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,

"They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed........

"All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked......

"Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

Chief:"Governor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"

Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

 

[itsme]

Friendship




Friendship among women:

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house.
The man calls his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them know about it.



Friendship among men:

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house.
The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends.
8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

 

[floppybootstomp]

I've had a good laugh here, you two, but you is pushing the limit a bit.

Please remember this is a family forum, where we hope young kids can visit.

So, just a reminder - keep 'em clean lads

 

[thamenace]

15 things to do at Wal Mart

Sorry about that Flops ... got a little carried away


15 things to do at Wal Mart while your partner is taking their own sweet time

1. Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in house wares,'...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! It's those voices again'.

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud. 'We're out of toilet paper in here!'.

 

[Quadophile]

Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!". Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit p*/sed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.

"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly p*/sed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"


The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike... and starts to sing .....

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

 

[sorrowful_smile]

lmfao!!!! LOL!

omggg u guys are ****ing hilarious!!!! ^_________^ where do u hear such funnie stuff??? ahahaha and in my opinion the jokes are fine!!!! not even pg 13 worthy =PP i doubt kids wud come on a computer site....but ne way plz update this!!! ahahaa im lovingg this! kk just showing mah love...XPP aitez. update this **** soon!!!! eheheheee byebye!!!!

 

[thamenace]

they love me ... they really love me ... *tears* ...


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just @**holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be alot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and the less important ones just never go away ...

 

[thamenace]

Women explained by engineers

Element: Woman
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 255kg.

Physical Properties

1. Body surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2. Boils at absolutely nothing - freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.

Chemical Properties

1. Reacts well to gold, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
3. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Use

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can greatly aid relaxation
3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent.

Hazards

1. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen
2. Possession of more than one is possible but specimens mustnever make eye contact



For those females who take offence, im sorry but its all funnys

 

[Quadophile]

I don't know how many noticed it but yesterday I deleted many posts to clean up this thread. The first post clearly states keep it "pretty clean", seems like very few read that.

 

[itsme]

The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The CO said, "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Top?"1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
================================================



An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"


During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.

We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "Bye, Daddy."


Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!


The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."

• The Army will put guards around the place.

• The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

• The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.

• The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.


Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine? Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army? Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"


During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

 

[itsme]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"He's hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn"t do anything; it was, after all, the captain"s parrot. One day the ship ran into trouble, and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After 3 days the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
=====================================================
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The initial measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."
The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
=======================================================

• As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
• Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
• Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
• It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
• Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
• You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
• Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
• No News Is... Impossible.
• A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
• You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
• If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
• Love All, Trust.. Me
• The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
• An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
• Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
• Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
• A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
• Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
• Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
• Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
• Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
• If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
• You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
• When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
• ============================================

Q: What do you get if you cross a mafia boss with a modern artist?
A: Someone who'll make you an offer you can't understand.

===================================================
Today, I had a patient who had two carrots up his nose, a radish in one ear and a stick of celery in the other ear.
He said, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
I told him, "That's because you're not eating right."
============================================
Next time you get that craving for chocolate, you may want to consider the following:

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. That makes you feel better, doesn't it?

To go one step further, milk chocolate bars also contain milk (obvious really, when you think about it), which is dairy. Which makes milk chocolate a health food.

And as if that wasn't temptation enough, chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, strawberries, and others all count as fruit, so you can eat as many as you want (preferably at least five portions per day).
====================================================
Problem: Computer making unfamiliar noise.
Solution: Ran Computer for 3 hours. Noise is now familiar.
============================================

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
==================================

 

[itsme]

A guy walks into a bank in the middle of London and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the bank officer that he's going to Spain on holidays for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a brand new BMW.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he shows all the documents and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the BMW as collateral for the loan.
The Bank Manager and its officials all enjoy a good laugh at this guy for using a £100,000 BMW as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the BMW into the bank's underground Car Park and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £12. The Bank Manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are very well off and have plenty of money and own 250 acres of land. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The man replies: "Where else in London can I park my car in the City Centre with valet parking and good security for two weeks for only £12 and expect it to still be there when I get back?"

 

[itsme]

A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday.
So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.

Then there was the ship carrying red paint that collided with another carrying blue paint.
What happened? Both crews were marooned.


A new car has been designed especially for the M25 rush hour....
It's called a stationary wagon.

 

[Raje]

Boys/Guns/and Dad's stash

One day on Johnny's 13th birthday his Dad got him a BB gun. Johnny was soo happy as he and his father stood outside in the back yard firing away with the new toy. Johnny's twin younger brothers sat by staring through the window watching, as they were too young to play with such a dangerous toy.

Meanwhile inside the kitchen, Johnny's Mom was busy baking the birthday cake. Stiring up all the ingrdients. While stirring the cake mixture and watching the father and son through the window she saw Johnny shoot his father on accident. She qucikly put the cake mix down below the window on the counter and ran outside. On the window sill was the box of BB's and had been knocked over allowing some to enter the batter.

After inspecting father he was alright exept for a tiny bruise on his rear end. Mother went back in finished baking her cake.

Later they all sang happy birthday to Johnny and the boys ate the cake. Later on, one of the twins comes crying to his mother, "Mommy....it hurt when I go poddy" I bit confused the mother walked into the bathroom and inspected the toilet. Their was a small round object in the bowl. A little hesitent and unsure of what it was she flushed the toilet and informed her son he would be just fine. Later the second twin reported the exact same incedent. After scratching her head, the mother noticed the tipped BB container and realised that some had gotten into her cake. Still baffled as to how, though sure that her children had 'passed' these BB's.

A few minutes later Johnny comes running into the house with tears in his eyes. "Mommy, mommy come quick!!"
His mother quickly replied let me guess, you hurt yourself using the toilet." Johnny quickly replied, "No Mom, I was in the garage looking at Daddies hidden magasine collection.... I think I SHOT the dog!!!

 

[Quadophile]

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[itsme]

A blonde named her two dogs Timex and Rolex. A friend asked why she named them that. "Well, duh," she replied, "Because they're watchdogs, of course."


A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart and capable by painting a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she buys paint and rollers and gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odour of fresh paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies "yes."

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house by her self.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she read the directions on the paint can and they said....

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."


Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffee Shop in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
==========================================
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes about and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
======================================================
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"
======================================================
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour," she explained, "but now I'm rechecking my answers."
===================================================
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

 

[Becky]

You really don't like blondes, do you??!

 

[floppybootstomp]

Nice airplane joke thread Quad, gave me a good giggle

 

[crazylegs]

Yeah that Airplane thread was absolutely bloody hilarious.....