Jokes Thread - Part III

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Ian

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I thought it was about time for the 3rd installment of the jokes thread...

(Please keep the language pretty clean ;))

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each

other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.

* If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer

to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, ****-Head and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in

£20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A

man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

* Women love cats.

* Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

* Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people

remembering the same thing.

* What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to

clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we

don't do the laundry now.

* What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah,

blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah,

blah, NOW

 
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Haha ... there very funny yet TRUE !

Keep them coming ! :D hehe

Atleast something today has made me smile !:)

Thanx :p
 
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What did the redneck say just before he died.......

"Hey guys, watch this....."
 

floppybootstomp

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* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

:D :D :D
 
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Can the jokes be un-PC etc? Cause then i can entertain you all?! :)
 

Ian

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Yeah, keep them family friendly ;)

I've cleaned the thread up from a few posts, as its mainly a jokes thread so we have to keep it mainly full of jokes :)
 
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Excuses involving motor accidents

  • The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
  • The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
  • I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
  • I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
  • The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
  • I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
  • I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
  • The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
  • The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)
  • Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
  • I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
  • The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
Who is to Blame?

  • No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
  • I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
  • I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  • On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
  • The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
  • Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
  • No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
  • I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
  • The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
  • I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
  • The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard
 
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New IT arrangements:

There are a lot of changes that are going to be taking place across the board as far as the servers & personal computers go.
The goal is to remove all laptop computers by November 2003 and all desktops computers by December 2003.

Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

4. No more worries about power cuts.

5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't shake it.

If you have any further queries, please feel free to contact the IT department.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only in Britain:

Only in Britain - can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

Only in Britain - do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions at the pharmacy while healthy people can buy their cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain - do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain - do banks leave their doors open and chain the pens to the counters

Only in Britain - do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the Drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage

Only in Britain - do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight

Only in Britain - do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we did'nt want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain - are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bush Quotes:

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- Governor George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
- Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Governor George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- Governor George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Governor George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- Governor George W. Bush

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tube announcements:

" Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

" Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

" Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

" Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

" We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door" "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Enjoy...

KGB
 

Quadophile

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New Watch

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."

:D:D:D
 
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bodhi said:
Can the jokes be un-PC etc? Cause then i can entertain you all?! :)

Sure.... COMPAQ.. They dont make PCs.... (that work anyway).. and they are a Joke!..


Sorry about that!....
 
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Blonde Jokes Cache-man/Sexy Bex

:) A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"





The blonde secretary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing by the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," the CEO said, "this is a very important document. Do you know how this thing works?"
The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Great," the CEO said as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need just one copy."


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right gear, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut another hole in the ice.
Again the voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice answered, "NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."



A blonde was trying to sell her old car but wasn't having any luck because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she mentioned this to a friend. Her friend told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "I've just gotta sell it."
"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, her friend asked her, "Well, did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
 

Becky

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Ha ha! I think my favourite was the first one ;)

I hope we're not offending anyone here though! All in a good spirit :)
 
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No offence meant or intended,:) the Irish have taken them for years some of the best comedians are Irish and they talk about themselves Frank Carson it’s the way I tellem:D .
is a prime example:thumb:
 
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Letter home

:)

This letter from a new army recruit to Mum and Dad back home in
Eromanga, a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!


I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't
hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you
gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo
steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until
noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on
a route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I
keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and
hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own
cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself
against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be
real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like
I'm in the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke
from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15
stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know
I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick
before word gets around how bloody good it is.







Your loving daughter,

Jill xxx

 
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Newspaper Headlines

Man shot in the bottom: Police say its a rear incident

100 wigs stolen: Police combing the area
 
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