Official Joke Thread!

[Ian]

15 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women

1. A beer does't get jealous when you grab another beer.
2. When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer.
3. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.
4. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
5. If you pour a beer just right you'll always get good head.
6. Hangovers go away.
7. When you are finished with a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
8. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
9. A beer always goes down easy.
10. You can share a beer with your friends.
11. Beer is always wet.
12. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
13. A frigid beer, is a good beer.
14. You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
15. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

I'm now going to run and hide from all the women in the forum!

 

[Ian]

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

This equalises it doesn't it?

 

[Ian]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

 

[Ian]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem, it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." (And neither did the wife.)

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing..."

 

[muckshifter]

... This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot
too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a licence, he says.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car, screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure they are," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!!!"

 

[muckshifter]

Because I know!

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity"

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!", "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

 

[muckshifter]

New AOL 7

Try it Here Folks ... Free

 

[Ian]

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

[DaveC]

Originally posted by Ian Cunningham
There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Bwhahahahahaha - took me a while to figure that out out!

Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

 

[DaveC]

Chinese in 10 easy steps!

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

 

[EnigmaticPhoeni]

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

The Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[muckshifter]

Female ... The Stages of Life

AGE DRINK

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET

17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE

17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast

:brow:

 

[Quadophile]

A college freshman's perspective on the telecom industry

At a recent conference, heard this anecdote:

"If you bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

"If you bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for a nickel deposit, you would have $79."

Cheers,

 

[muckshifter]

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells... ?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

:crazy:

 

[Quadophile]

Talking about horses.......

Pony express

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that
a Pony express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why she scoffed.

The clerk thought about it for a moment, then his face brightened and he replied, "The horses are older now!"

 

[Quadophile]

Talk about Photography............

A couple visited a friendly couple for a cup of coffee. The lady sees some of the pictures hanging on the wall and says to the man who took the pictures ,, "wow .. those are very nice pictures , you must have a very good camera."

The following week the first couple pays a visit to the ladys house for eating. When they finished eating the (photographer) man says to the lady .."Wow .. that was a fantastic meal , you must have very good pots !"

 

[muckshifter]

Found a use for that old monitor at last...

 

[muckshifter]

One night there was a thunderstorm in the area, and one customer, notorious among the tech support crowd, called:

Customer: "Did you know about the thunderstorm? I heard that I should unplug my computer. Should I do that?"
Tech Support: "In most cases, yes, it is best to at least unplug your phone line. Lightning sometimes causes power surges that can damage your modem."
Customer: "Can it damage other things as well...like the phone?"
Tech Support: "I've never heard of that happening before, but it is a possibility."
Customer: "So do you think that I should unplug the phone from my computer and from all the phones as well?"
Tech Support: (frustrated) "Couldn't hurt."
Customer: "So when can I plug them all back in?"
Tech Support: (really annoyed now) "When the storm is over."
Customer: "How will I know when it's safe, though?"

My face lit up like a Christmas tree, and it was all I could do to keep myself breathing evenly.

Tech Support: "I will call you."
Customer: "Ok! Thank you!"

 

[Quadophile]

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
```````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
``````````
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another" --George Bush, US President
``````````````````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
```````````
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
`````````````````````````````````````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP
``````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
```````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
````````````````````````

 

[1nteger]

Classics every one! Certainly cheered me up this morning...

You've just reminded me of my favourite all time comment on a song by the lyricist and composer, Johnny Walker:

''If I ate alphabet soup I could shit better lyrics''...


...I wish I'd said that:spin: