V
Vankington Toombyaki
Pissy Porcupine
This is the release that gets back at Linus Torvalds for dissing GNOME over
KDE. It includes the recent Linus Gnome patch, but butchers it so it won't
work, and blames Linus for it. It also includes a new installer to silence
people still complaining about it not being as good as (pick a distro). It
also gives the finger to all those damn "purists" by shipping all the codecs
and drivers most "real distros" come standard with for that "it just works"
out of the box feel. Still kicking and taking names, this release finally
breaks away from Debian, with Shuttleworth proclaiming, "We don't need no
stenkin' Debian", and stating since now it was the base distro everyone else
was using, it would call the shots. Yes, this is the release with a 'tude.
Bitty Bat
Finally, Ubuntu tackles the 64-bit market in a comprehensive way. With the
recent release of the AMD and Intel quadcore platforms, 'bitty' pushes
itself into the forefront of distros that can "run on anything from anyone
anywhere". After stealing code from Google's "summer of code", it can now
run flash-, realplayer-, et al plugins seamlessly on 32 and 64 bit
architectures, and single, dual, and quad platforms. With this, it has
struck up a major deal to put 'bitty' on all HP desktops (while Dell still
ponders this move, after receiving now over 5 million requests to do so on
its website).
Virtual Viper
Like a multiheaded snake, 'Viper' comes ready to run virtual OSes, using the
brand new Linux 2.6.30 kernel. With this, Ubuntu positions itself to take
over the server market, to replace all those power hungry old servers with
virtual OS instances. Also included is a true Vista compatibility layer,
which allows the remaining people who haven't booted Vista off their system
(after the most recent DRM, malware, update release, fiasco) to run Vista in
a safe virtual environment, by getting around MS's latest attempt to prevent
this. And with CrossOver 9.2, 'Viper' becomes the easiest distro yet for
Windows users to migrate to.
Talky Tortoise
Following on the heels of the Canonical/Digium agreement, Ubuntu now comes
with a customized version of Asterisk ready to use. Throw that landline
away, and network your cell phones. It is now easier than ever to manage all
your telephony needs in one easy to configure distro. Also included is the
latest in voice-recognition technology, which allows you to use a headset,
or phone, to talk to your computer and run apps which have been written for
these features. VARS will immediately target this release for use in senior
homes, people with disabilities, or people just too lazy to type anymore. It
has been rumored the next point release will also allow your computer to
talk back to you (in initially 3 languages). This will quickly become the
perfect distro for geeks, to get them through those lonely weekend nights
(you know who you are).
Kinky Kangaroo
Ubuntu goes all out to capture the adult and pornography market sectors with
this release. With its customized branded Firefox browser (SteamyOtter), it
comes with built in plugins for anonymous browsing using Tor onion networks,
and the latest video streaming, zooming, and 3D effects. Also, now with Clik
'n' Run, premier porn sites are just a click away (purchased with a major
credit card), which can be quickly hidden from that unsuspecting spouse, or
your kids, with the new Zip-It-Quick extension. It also comes with the
EnhanceIt image processing app, to help you "endow" your photos before
posting to Match.com or your MySpace page. When bought via the web, 'Kinky'
comes shipped in an unmarked brownpaper package, with your choice of a pack
of condoms (specify size), a Plan B treatment, or a pack of AAA batteries.
This is the release that gets back at Linus Torvalds for dissing GNOME over
KDE. It includes the recent Linus Gnome patch, but butchers it so it won't
work, and blames Linus for it. It also includes a new installer to silence
people still complaining about it not being as good as (pick a distro). It
also gives the finger to all those damn "purists" by shipping all the codecs
and drivers most "real distros" come standard with for that "it just works"
out of the box feel. Still kicking and taking names, this release finally
breaks away from Debian, with Shuttleworth proclaiming, "We don't need no
stenkin' Debian", and stating since now it was the base distro everyone else
was using, it would call the shots. Yes, this is the release with a 'tude.
Bitty Bat
Finally, Ubuntu tackles the 64-bit market in a comprehensive way. With the
recent release of the AMD and Intel quadcore platforms, 'bitty' pushes
itself into the forefront of distros that can "run on anything from anyone
anywhere". After stealing code from Google's "summer of code", it can now
run flash-, realplayer-, et al plugins seamlessly on 32 and 64 bit
architectures, and single, dual, and quad platforms. With this, it has
struck up a major deal to put 'bitty' on all HP desktops (while Dell still
ponders this move, after receiving now over 5 million requests to do so on
its website).
Virtual Viper
Like a multiheaded snake, 'Viper' comes ready to run virtual OSes, using the
brand new Linux 2.6.30 kernel. With this, Ubuntu positions itself to take
over the server market, to replace all those power hungry old servers with
virtual OS instances. Also included is a true Vista compatibility layer,
which allows the remaining people who haven't booted Vista off their system
(after the most recent DRM, malware, update release, fiasco) to run Vista in
a safe virtual environment, by getting around MS's latest attempt to prevent
this. And with CrossOver 9.2, 'Viper' becomes the easiest distro yet for
Windows users to migrate to.
Talky Tortoise
Following on the heels of the Canonical/Digium agreement, Ubuntu now comes
with a customized version of Asterisk ready to use. Throw that landline
away, and network your cell phones. It is now easier than ever to manage all
your telephony needs in one easy to configure distro. Also included is the
latest in voice-recognition technology, which allows you to use a headset,
or phone, to talk to your computer and run apps which have been written for
these features. VARS will immediately target this release for use in senior
homes, people with disabilities, or people just too lazy to type anymore. It
has been rumored the next point release will also allow your computer to
talk back to you (in initially 3 languages). This will quickly become the
perfect distro for geeks, to get them through those lonely weekend nights
(you know who you are).
Kinky Kangaroo
Ubuntu goes all out to capture the adult and pornography market sectors with
this release. With its customized branded Firefox browser (SteamyOtter), it
comes with built in plugins for anonymous browsing using Tor onion networks,
and the latest video streaming, zooming, and 3D effects. Also, now with Clik
'n' Run, premier porn sites are just a click away (purchased with a major
credit card), which can be quickly hidden from that unsuspecting spouse, or
your kids, with the new Zip-It-Quick extension. It also comes with the
EnhanceIt image processing app, to help you "endow" your photos before
posting to Match.com or your MySpace page. When bought via the web, 'Kinky'
comes shipped in an unmarked brownpaper package, with your choice of a pack
of condoms (specify size), a Plan B treatment, or a pack of AAA batteries.