Getting back with your ex

[Andrew C]

We were together 4 months and split up 6 weeks back. 3 months of this time we never spent a night apart! Was perfect until her gran died and she started pushing me away. I'm really struggling to move on, massivly. Had her friend talk to her last night and she has admitted she does love me, there's no-one else and even been told i'm the most amazing person she has ever met. But to be honest i was a bit of a **** towards the end, saying things like her nan is dead and her nan would want her to move on - this is what caused us to spit up.

Sounds silly and although this may be my first ever serious relationship, she is the love of my life.

I've sent flowers, i've sent messages via sms and FB but she says she won't change her mind.

How do i get her back guys?!

 

[EvanDavis]

Pretty hard one to give advice on mate. Saying what you did at the end was probably not your wisest choice and pretty selfish if you ask me. But I am not here to judge.
I would say back off for a while, no text, no flower, no Facebook messages. Just give the girl some space. She might just see texts and flowers and Facebook messages as you putting pressure on her and you could just end up pushing her further away. Remember the girl has just lost her nan. She is probably still grieving. And this time should be all about her. Not about the two of you. Give her time to deal with her loss. and hopefully if she has said you are a pretty amazing person, when she has dealt with what she has to she will come round to the idea of you two back together. But one thing is for sure she has made a choice and you have to respect that no matter what. forcing the issue could just make things a lot worse.

 

[TriplexDread]

Evan is right

Do not pressure her mate, REALLY DON'T!!

Leave her be. If she wants you she will be in touch.

If she doesn't well try be friends. Easier said than done though I promise that!

One more thing

I know it's hard, really, really hard. I thought my ex was 'The One" she and her friends/family decided I wasn't
What made it harder our son. We only talk if needed so please please try keep it civil. Don't force her into anything it will only make it worse I guarantee that.

Good luck mate, i'm sure many of us here know all too well how it feels

 

[gabriella]

Hello Andrew

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Perhaps I can add my thoughts as a woman? The death of your partner's Nan has obviously hit her very hard. In turn and from what you say, you may have said/done things that weren't possibly the best thing to say. Maybe she just needs some space and whilst I know you are desperate to have her return and in turn keep trying various ways to keep in touch, that could be more than she can cope with at present. I have one thought - send her a Christmas card - nothing over the top and no 'hearts and flowers' stuff and put a little note in saying that you respect she needs some time and space, wish her well and say [if this is how you truly feel] that you are there for her. Leave it at that and step away - see how things develop. A few weeks may be what's needed but one thing I can say is that pursuing her at this stage is probably going to be very counterproductive.

Good luck

Gabriella xx

 

[Andrew C]

But what i do not understand is how she can say she loves me and i've the most amazing person she has ever met.

What i have also forgotten to mention is she lives in the appartment below me which means i know when she's in etc I feel like a stalker!

 

[gabriella]

My dear Andrew...

Sometimes life is so very hard and what I and others here don't know is the closeness of your partner's relationship to her Nan and what her passing means to your partner. The fact she says you are amazing and she loves you may well be true but I sense that your partner is overwhelmed with feelings which mean that she has little emotional energy to give out.

I am speculating here but sometimes Nans are as close as mothers and their passings can be devastating.

Doubtless, I am a deal older than you and I do not say that to be patronising. However, what life has taught me is that the passing of a dear one can be extremely profound and sometimes the passing of a more distant relative or friend can be as traumatic as say, losing a parent - especially if the one passed has performed some sort of parental role.

I lost my dad this year and for reasons which are not relevant, that passing hit me a lot less than the passing of a dear woman [also this year] who was not a relative but whom I had always called 'Aunty'. I felt like I had lost a mother figure. I was distraught and found it very hard to give out emotionally.

Being a floor away from a loved one must be very difficult but I can only suggest you let your partner know you are there for her. She may have little if anything to give but my guess is that she is sad, lonely and possibly frightened and for that reason, I do urge you not to expect more than she can give out.

I also guess she needs close, trusted friends who will see her at her worst and not judge or expect anything from her.

It's hard.......I truly know this but you need to give her space and let her know that you are there for her, whatever she decides in the future.

Take care

Gabriella xx

 

[Andrew C]

We had a conversation on Facebook this morning. She has said her mind is set and she is not changing it. She won't talk and she won't meet up - i've even knocked on her door but she won't answer as she knows it's me. Her friend has advised now to leave her a few days.

Had some flowers sent today and seen the guy deliver them.

One of my concerns now is she's walking back from her parents house late at night, last night at 2am. I'm positive she was with her parents as she was speaking with her Dad on the phone when i tried to speak with her. Her parents should not be allowing this!!

She doesn't have many friends she goes out with, i've only ever met one.

 

[EvanDavis]

Andrew at the end of the day, a few folk have given you good advice and you need to take it in. The most important thing is you need to respect this girls wishes. If she doesn't want to see you, then she doesn't want to see you. Forcing the issue is just going to make it worse. I can understand your concern about her walking home late, but then again its not really your concern. from your last post you are just making yourself to be more like a stalker. Yes I know its hard to let go, but you have to.

 

[Rush]

Ditto

 

[Andrew C]

Gabriella's post makes sense, something i'd not actually thought about. My friends apart from one is telling me to let go. But when she says she loves me and i'm an a amazing guy, how do i move on...

Her walking home late at night is a massive concern in the area we live in. I've not mentioned this to her, as it does look like i'm stalking.

 

[EvanDavis]

. But when she says she loves me and i'm an a amazing guy, how do i move on...

Have you ever thought for a moment that what she means is she loves you as a friend?

 

[TriplexDread]

Andrew We are really trying to help you out mate, we really are!

Leave her be. It will go either way - Hopefully your's, however for now just let her be please? It really is the best thing to do.

We know it's hard and every moment hurt's and you wonder what she is doin. who she is with, what she is saying...

We have all been there. Honestly and truely yu need to leave her be mate

 

[gabriella]

My dear Andrew

I can see this is very very hard for you and I really do feel for you. I am 50 next year and I can say that I have more than 'been round the block' when it comes to life, love, relationships etc..... I work in a job which revolves around people's lives, relationships and more. So I know that these matters are never straightforward and that two people can see the same thing completely differently. I really feel there is a danger here that you could be perceived as a stalker and I urge you to rethink matters. You really, really do not want to go down that route - trust me here.

Just let her know very simply that you are there for her. Forget FB chats, flowers and the like at least for the time being.

I am guessing she is an adult and that being the case, she is free to go to and fro as she pleases. You might feel that an early morning walk home is not what you would want or feel to be safe but she has choices to make.

Please also be aware that she may have access to this site.

Just my thoughts which, of course, you are completely free to take or leave.

Take care my friend.

Gabriella xx

 

[Andrew C]

I've left her be - i just haven't a clue how it could have gone from being perfect to nothing.

Maybe we will get back together at some point, i just don't know.

 

[nivrip]

As everyone else has said "time, time and more time."
If you are perfectly right for each other then you will gradually, given enough time, drift back together.