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- Apr 19, 2005
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Beware of older men - they only get wiser!
A woman
decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?
'I promise I won't' she says. ..>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
'I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds.'
=====================================
How is this for ingenuity???
From The London Times:
A Well-Planned Retirement
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses
For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant.
The fees were £1 for cars .... £5 for buses .
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he
just
didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked
it
to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the
Zoo's
own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the
City
payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or
some
such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine
installed
completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day,
commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about
400
pounds per day -- for 25 years.
With the tips he earned over and above, it is estimated it amassed him
close
on 5 million pounds ! (roughly $7 million)....
......... And no one even knows his name
A woman
decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?
'I promise I won't' she says. ..>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
'I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds.'
=====================================
How is this for ingenuity???
From The London Times:
A Well-Planned Retirement
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses
For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant.
The fees were £1 for cars .... £5 for buses .
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he
just
didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked
it
to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the
Zoo's
own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the
City
payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or
some
such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine
installed
completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day,
commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about
400
pounds per day -- for 25 years.
With the tips he earned over and above, it is estimated it amassed him
close
on 5 million pounds ! (roughly $7 million)....
......... And no one even knows his name
