Quad's Humour Thread
- Thread starter Quadophile
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Take Fore!
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you five grand!"
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you five grand!"
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
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Santa and Satan
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other,
"What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied,
"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other,
"What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied,
"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
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New Parrot ... New House ...
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to
live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to
live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
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Regulation Seatbelt
Since a friend of mine is rather overweight, whenever she flies, she requests a seat belt extender from the flight attendant.
On a recent trip, she was removing the belt when she noticed it had a small brass plate etched with a statement that the belt was in compliance with the Federal Aviation Admininistration Technical Standard Order specifying the construction of such extenders.
However, what she saw at the time was the engraved message: Conforms to FAATSO
Since a friend of mine is rather overweight, whenever she flies, she requests a seat belt extender from the flight attendant.
On a recent trip, she was removing the belt when she noticed it had a small brass plate etched with a statement that the belt was in compliance with the Federal Aviation Admininistration Technical Standard Order specifying the construction of such extenders.
However, what she saw at the time was the engraved message: Conforms to FAATSO
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Blonde Caller:
"I need to talk with Jack. Can you give me his telephone number?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, who are you talking about."
Blond Caller:
"On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
"So what's his number?"
"I need to talk with Jack. Can you give me his telephone number?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, who are you talking about."
Blond Caller:
"On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
"So what's his number?"
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muckshifter said:and telephone Jack before cleaning.
"So what's his number?"
That was a very good one!
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Pallbearers
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
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Black and White
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
cirianz
Chatter Box
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Quadophile said:Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
lol, the happiest day of her life... now that sounds ominous!
So if it's downhill from there for her then I guess that means that things can only be improving for the groom
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Obedience
"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."
"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious couple and in fact they really only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"
"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."
"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."
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A Physical Challenge!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"
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Must be a Blond ... oops
* better hide now *
* better hide now *
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Mark 17
A Minister told his congregation: "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the Minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The Minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
A Minister told his congregation: "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the Minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The Minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Oriskany Falls
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?" "No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
A few minutes later, she piped up again: "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?" "No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
A few minutes later, she piped up again: "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."