Quad's Humour Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006.

  1. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Little Green Grass Snakes ARE Dangerous!

    Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
    A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

    The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

    About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

    About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

    The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

    By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

    Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

    Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

    Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

    About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

    She shot him.
















    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #1
    1. Advertisements

  2. Quadophile

    Rush Cool Cruncher VIP Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2005
    Messages:
    4,119
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Trent Vale , Staffs
    Superb..superb :lol:
     
    Rush, Apr 2, 2006
    #2
    1. Advertisements

  3. Quadophile

    murdoch VIP Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,900
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Somerset
    And the USA is a safe place:lol:
     
    murdoch, Apr 2, 2006
    #3
  4. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Philosophy 101

    A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a the class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
    After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

    With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.

    He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."

    Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."










    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #4
  5. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Action/Reaction

    An insect falls into a mug of beer... Reactions:
    Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.

    American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

    Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

    Japanese: Drinks the beer with insect, as it is coming free.

    Indian: Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese, and gets a new mug of beer. ......INTELLIGENT!!...

    Pakistani: -Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer -Relates the issue to Kashmir -Asks the Chinese for Military aid -Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.....



    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #5
  6. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Knowledge

    The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

    The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."










    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #6
  7. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Turning Left

    Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing." Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."








    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #7
  8. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Election Win

    The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.

    When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

    "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

    "Honestly?"

    The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"










    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #8
  9. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Wild Ride

    A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

    The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"

    "Anytime," her daughter replied.

    As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."










    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #9
  10. Quadophile

    itsme VIP Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2005
    Messages:
    6,175
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Brilliant! :lol::lol:keep em coming Quad:thumb: :lol: :lol::lol:
     
    itsme, Apr 2, 2006
    #10
  11. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Sea Fare-ing Scotsman

    In honour of our Scotish Members at PC Review, especially Muckshifter [​IMG]

    A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

    "That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

    "Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked!"







    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #11
  12. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Recommended Reading

    "The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
    "Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily

    "Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic

    "Thirty yards to the outhouse" by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont)

    "The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns

    "How To Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich

    "Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff

    "How To Save Time" by Terry A. While





    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]


     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #12
  13. Quadophile

    itsme VIP Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2005
    Messages:
    6,175
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    I am still:lol: :lol: :lol: :thumb:
     
    itsme, Apr 2, 2006
    #13
  14. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Weather Woes

    One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

    Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

    Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

    The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. You must park..........." and the power goes out !

    Norman's wife is very upset, with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

    With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says,
    "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"



    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #14
  15. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Sharp Cut!

    An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, typically chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat:

    The American: "Do you eat that bread entirely?"

    The Indian: "Of course!"

    The American: "We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to India."

    The Indian says nothing.

    The American continues: "Do you eat this jelly with the bread?"

    The Indian repeats: "Of course."

    The American: "We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep all the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it and transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India."

    The Indian asks: "And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?"


    American: "We throw them away, of course!"

    Indian: "We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United

    States !!!"



    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #15
  16. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Three Rules

    [size=-0] [/size][size=-0]One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

    Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

    Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
    [/size]







    [size=-0][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
    [/size]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #16
  17. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Revised History

    The following are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, enough misinformation to satisfy anyone and, of course, spelling!



    Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

    It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

    Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

    Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

    Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.

    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

    Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.



    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #17
  18. Quadophile

    michael 118 VIP Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2005
    Messages:
    1,597
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chandlers ford
    how about the effects of Alcohol by Duncan Disorderly.

    ah i'll never be as good as your quad, keep em coming :lol:
     
    michael 118, Apr 2, 2006
    #18
  19. Quadophile

    Quadophile Hon. Acoustical Engineer Moderator

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Messages:
    5,764
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Courage

    A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic, "What is courage?"

    The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and turned in the piece of paper.

    All he had written was: "This is."







    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Quadophile, Apr 2, 2006
    #19
  20. Quadophile

    michael 118 VIP Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2005
    Messages:
    1,597
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chandlers ford
    ah i heard that one before :eek:, i was told it was true.....

    still hilarious though quad :D
     
    michael 118, Apr 2, 2006
    #20
    1. Advertisements

Want to reply to this thread or ask your own question?

It takes just 2 minutes to sign up (and it's free!). Just click the sign up button to choose a username and then you can ask your own questions on the forum.
Similar Threads
  1. Techy

    Bit of humour

    Techy, May 18, 2005, in forum: General Discussion
    Replies:
    8
    Views:
    600
    Cache-man
    May 18, 2005
  2. venky07

    Humour in real life 1

    venky07, Sep 21, 2005, in forum: General Discussion
    Replies:
    0
    Views:
    202
    venky07
    Sep 21, 2005
  3. Adywebb

    Quads IBM Thinkpad T43

    Adywebb, Oct 14, 2005, in forum: General Discussion
    Replies:
    7
    Views:
    413
    Adywebb
    Oct 23, 2005
  4. CITech

    HUMOUR: Insurance Claim Forms

    CITech, Oct 14, 2005, in forum: General Discussion
    Replies:
    9
    Views:
    673
    itsme
    Oct 17, 2005
  5. Rush

    Rush`s Humour thread (sorry Quad)

    Rush, Jan 30, 2007, in forum: General Discussion
    Replies:
    3
    Views:
    955
Loading...

Share This Page