Just for a chuckle

Taffycat

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Found these just now, they gave me a chuckle so thought I'd share ;)

Real but wrong answers given by members of families taking part in "Family Fortunes" when they were asked to name.........

Q: Something you put on walls:
A: "Roofs.."

Q: Something a blind man might use:
A: "A sword.."

Q: Something you wear on the beach:
A: "A deckchair.."

Q: A song from 'The Sound Of Music':
A: "Dancing Queen.."

Q: Something that comes in pairs:
A: "Rabbits.."

Q: An animal with horns:
A: A bee..."

Q: Something made of wool:
A: A sheep.."

Q: A famous Parisian landmark:
A: "Hawaii..."

Q: Something a bridegroom might wear:
A: "A dress.."

Q: A way to prevent snoring:
A: "Put a pillow over his face.."

Q: A measurement of liquid:
A: "Paint.."

Q: Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house:
A: "Feeds your pets.."

Q: A place you would keep a pen:
A: "A zoo..."

Q: Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming:
A: "Your legs.."

Q: A popular TV soap:
A: "Dove"

Q: A game that uses a black ball:
A: "Darts.."

Q: Something a policeman might say:
A: "Spread 'em.."

Q: A non-living object with legs:
A: "A plant.."

Q: Something you do on water:
A: "Wallpaper.."

Q: A musical instrument you could play in the bath:
A: "A drum kit.."

Q: A well known superstition:
A: "Running in front of a car..."

Q: Something you use a microchip in:
A: "A fish-fryer..."

Q: A famous Royal:
A: "Mail.."

Q: A bird with a long neck:
A: "Naomi Campbell.."

Q: Something you keep in a garden shed:
A: "A gardener.."


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Ian

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Taffycat said:

Q: Something made of wool:
A: A sheep.."

Q: Something a policeman might say:
A: "Spread 'em.."

Those two made me laugh :lol: Hard to believe some people said those things as answers!
 

Me__2001

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i think the best one i've heard was

Q. name a type of Ache
A. Face..

lol
 

cirianz

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:lol: :lol: :lol:
Thank you Taffy :nod::thumb:
I can't wait 'till John comes home & I can show them to him :lol:
 

BigJay

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My personal favorite is this one......

Q. Name a dangerous race.....
A. The Arabs.
 

Taffycat

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Motor Insurance Claim Forms

I liked these too :D

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were :-

Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
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LMAO

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I liked:

Q: Something a blind man might use:
A: "A sword.." (LOL wtf?)

Q: An animal with horns:
A: A bee..."

Q: A musical instrument you could play in the bath:
A: "A drum kit.."

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Taffycat

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Classified Ads:;)

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

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Taffycat

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Computer Acronyms


PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW - World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics.

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

************************************************************************
************************************************************************

Student Bloopers


Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.


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cirianz

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:lol::lol::lol:

been a sh*t day... this was just what i needed :D
Thanks Taffy :nod:

:lol: (sorry, still laughing... couldn't help it ;) )
 

Taffycat

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Murphy's Dictums:

You can get more with a smile and a gun than you can with a smile alone.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

************************************************************
Simple Home Remedies:

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by si mply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
When all else fails, toss down a good shot of whiskey and take a nap.

Remember...Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends;

You never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

:lol:





 

nivrip

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Loved Murphy's Dictums.

How about "Why do Irishmen/Scotsmen/Americans/Any group you may wish to mention never get haemarrhoids?"

A: "Because the Lord God above made them all perfect assholes"
 

cirianz

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:lol::lol::lol:

Loved the car-passing one especialy :lol:

Now, if we can only come up with one for the tailgaters :nod:
With special mention for those ones who'll sniff your but when the road is slick :nod:
Have to admit I've had the temptation to slam on the brakes occasionally :rolleyes:
Just as well I can't drive :nod:

And I love the Tax-fine one... now wonder if I can send it to the IRD :rolleyes:
 

Taffycat

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Yesterday (Credit to Mr. John G. Burns)

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

:cool: ...a moral in there methinks!!
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