B
Bill Gates
Citizens of the World:
I am Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, and the Richest Man
in the Universe. By far!
Normally, I don't lower myself to talk to the public (I
dunno, I guess it's out of some justifiable feeling of
superiority), but I'm making an exception now, because the
U.S. Government (which is only SLIGHTLY richer than me) is
trying to do something very bad for you, the consumer,
and, more importantly, for me! It's trying to break up
Microsoft!
(Incidentally, when I say I'm the "Richest Man in the
Universe" I mean the "Richest Man Ever, in History." Just
so we're clear on that.)
Anyway, right now you're probably saying to yourself:
1) "Whoa! This guy's pretty damn sincere! Maybe I ought to
be paying attention to what he says, instead of writing
him off as a whining, desperate zillionaire who will do
ANYTHING to protect his obscene cash flow."
2) "Who cares if all those rumors I've heard about how he
goes for two weeks without showering, and attends board
meetings smelling like a garbage dump are true? He really
cares about me!"
3) "How can the breakup of Microsoft possibly be bad for
me personally"?
Well, to anyone who knows the facts, it's obvious that
breaking up Microsoft would be horrible for consumers!
See, every application we've ever put out contains
millions of lines of "source code" - that indecipherable
mumbo-jumbo that only the computer (and we here at
Microsoft) understand! Most of that source code is there
just to get the PC to do what it's supposed to! But a tiny
little bit of it is designed to do some extremely
interesting things inside your computer, such as:
1) Translate every Microsoft Word document from English
into Swahili, or Ancient Sanskrit, or those "Wingding"
characters nobody knows what the hell are for!
2) Sign up you and all the people in your Microsoft
Outlook Address Book for a non-cancelable three-year
subscription to the Microsoft Network!
3) Make your Microsoft Excel program at work siphon off
one dollar from everybody else's account into a file
called "My-Embzzle$" and then transmit a copy of that file
to your boss!
Pretty scary, eh? Did those wild-eyed anarchists at the
Justice Department even consider these possible
consequences to the consumer when they came up with the
radical notion of a break up?! I think not!
Of course, I'm not saying those things would automatically
happen - first we'd have to send out the prearranged
signal to your PC from our corporate headquarters - but
why take the chance?
Please don't misunderstand me - these aren't
threats! "Threats" are wrong; threats are
counterproductive; threats are liable to get the
government even more pissed off at me than they already
are! Let's just call them a "technical forecast" from
an "informed industry source!"
But you have the power to make sure those things never
occur! All you have to do is write, fax or e-mail (using
Microsoft Outlook, of course) your congressman, senator,
governor, mayor, dogcatcher - whatever! - and tell them
what a silly, silly, silly idea breaking up Microsoft is!
(Oh, and also remind them that we know how to remote-
access everything on their hard-drives, too!)
In conclusion, let me say: May the "Blue Screen of Death"
never visit your Windows-based PC.or at least, no more
than it does now (which it won't, if you do exactly as I
say!)
With all my best-simulated-non-threatening "warmth,"
Bill Gates
Richest Man in the Known Universe
I am Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, and the Richest Man
in the Universe. By far!
Normally, I don't lower myself to talk to the public (I
dunno, I guess it's out of some justifiable feeling of
superiority), but I'm making an exception now, because the
U.S. Government (which is only SLIGHTLY richer than me) is
trying to do something very bad for you, the consumer,
and, more importantly, for me! It's trying to break up
Microsoft!
(Incidentally, when I say I'm the "Richest Man in the
Universe" I mean the "Richest Man Ever, in History." Just
so we're clear on that.)
Anyway, right now you're probably saying to yourself:
1) "Whoa! This guy's pretty damn sincere! Maybe I ought to
be paying attention to what he says, instead of writing
him off as a whining, desperate zillionaire who will do
ANYTHING to protect his obscene cash flow."
2) "Who cares if all those rumors I've heard about how he
goes for two weeks without showering, and attends board
meetings smelling like a garbage dump are true? He really
cares about me!"
3) "How can the breakup of Microsoft possibly be bad for
me personally"?
Well, to anyone who knows the facts, it's obvious that
breaking up Microsoft would be horrible for consumers!
See, every application we've ever put out contains
millions of lines of "source code" - that indecipherable
mumbo-jumbo that only the computer (and we here at
Microsoft) understand! Most of that source code is there
just to get the PC to do what it's supposed to! But a tiny
little bit of it is designed to do some extremely
interesting things inside your computer, such as:
1) Translate every Microsoft Word document from English
into Swahili, or Ancient Sanskrit, or those "Wingding"
characters nobody knows what the hell are for!
2) Sign up you and all the people in your Microsoft
Outlook Address Book for a non-cancelable three-year
subscription to the Microsoft Network!
3) Make your Microsoft Excel program at work siphon off
one dollar from everybody else's account into a file
called "My-Embzzle$" and then transmit a copy of that file
to your boss!
Pretty scary, eh? Did those wild-eyed anarchists at the
Justice Department even consider these possible
consequences to the consumer when they came up with the
radical notion of a break up?! I think not!
Of course, I'm not saying those things would automatically
happen - first we'd have to send out the prearranged
signal to your PC from our corporate headquarters - but
why take the chance?
Please don't misunderstand me - these aren't
threats! "Threats" are wrong; threats are
counterproductive; threats are liable to get the
government even more pissed off at me than they already
are! Let's just call them a "technical forecast" from
an "informed industry source!"
But you have the power to make sure those things never
occur! All you have to do is write, fax or e-mail (using
Microsoft Outlook, of course) your congressman, senator,
governor, mayor, dogcatcher - whatever! - and tell them
what a silly, silly, silly idea breaking up Microsoft is!
(Oh, and also remind them that we know how to remote-
access everything on their hard-drives, too!)
In conclusion, let me say: May the "Blue Screen of Death"
never visit your Windows-based PC.or at least, no more
than it does now (which it won't, if you do exactly as I
say!)
With all my best-simulated-non-threatening "warmth,"
Bill Gates
Richest Man in the Known Universe
