Virus Help

[Sharkman]

Help!

I installed some Microsoft Updates I received
in the mail, and now my system doesn't work
properly.

First I got a "Microsoft Critical Update" message
which had a patch for Windows XP, Internet Explorer
and Outlook Express. I thought "great!" But when I
installed the patch, my anti-virus program became
disabled, and the system began to behave strangely.

The second message I got said that I might have
been infected with a virus/worm and that I just
received in the mail and that I needed to install
another patch to remove it. But when I clicked on
the executable attachment in the messages (just
like Microsoft said that I was supposed to), my
computer began sending messages to other people
and monitoring the newsgroups. I didn't want it
to do that an so I tried to shutdown, but it
wouldn't let me!

The third message I received said that my system was
probably infected by the previous two attachments
I had just installed, and that the only way to
clean my system was to reinstall Windows. In this
message, Microsoft was even nice enough to attach
a "Reinstall Helper." All I had to do was to get my
Windows CDs and start the "Reinstall Helper" and
the reinstallation would go twice as fast.

When I started the "Reinstall Helper," it told me
to scratch onto the back of all of my Windows XP CD's
this product code (using a sharp metal KEY):
XP1032-BOGUS81. Then it told me to put the CD in
and the reinstall would start automatically, but
nothing happened!

Then the fourth message I got from the "Microsoft
Update Center" told me that the previous three
messages were totally bogus and that I had installed
three of the worst viruses/worms in Internet history.
They even called me a dumb-ass! A hand came out of the
computer and slapped me in the face several time.
They made me cry. Then they told me that
the only way to remove the viruses was to download and
execute the next message in my mailbox.

The fifth message I received said that it contained the
"Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0." The message
said that all I had to do was to install the cleaner,
and all of the viruses I had downloaded would be erased.
And so I double-clicked the attachment, and this is
what I saw:

Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0.
Trojan
...activated
...accessing partition table
...cleaning...wiped

...accessing IDE track 0 startup-block
...low-level format done

...accessing CMOS data block
...clearing

...finished

ALL VIRUSES AND WORMS DELETED
press any key to not continue...

Now I can't start my computer. Can anyone help me!

 

[Interspatial]

Not only but also, microsoft very seldom reach out and slap your face. LOL
Good story.

 

[Leanne Fox]

I have been getting about 15 of the emails you explained every couple of
hours. Luckily Norton has picked it up and deleted but I would like to know
when the emails will stop??? I have been blocking them and deleting them
but they are still rolling in. Its driving me nuts.

Any help would be appreciated

 

[sammy]

You could make new rules in your Outlook which may be of some help:
Set your rules so that any message containing the word "Microsoft" or "MS"
is directly deleted. If you use names, the names keep on changing everytime
but at least they all contain the word or something about microsoft which
makes it effectief to delete on arrival.

hope it helps.

 

[Rich Piotrowski]

"BUT NOTHING HAPPENED!..." did you really follow this instruction?
Are you a BABY? And should anyone believe this CRAP?

I think this was meant to be funny. You know? Satire.


<snip>


Rich Piotrowski

To E-mail use: rpiotro(at)wi(dot)rr(dot)com

 

[Gary P]

"BUT NOTHING HAPPENED!..." did you really follow this instruction?
Are you a BABY? And should anyone believe this CRAP?

Hmm. Maybe satire doesn't play on Usenet either.

 

[Jim Macklin]

I had a splinter in my finger because I was trying to pop a
blister caused by hot-melt glue. The splinter was painful
so I asked a stranger what would be the best way to remove
the splinter and was told to use a 2 pound hatchet and a
tree stump to cut that part of the finger off. I
accidentally cut all my fingers off. Now I can't type on
the computer, should I sue the stranger because he said to
use a hatchet or should I sue the hatchet maker?


| | > > > When I started the "Reinstall Helper," it told me
| > > > to scratch onto the back of all of my Windows XP
CD's
| > > > this product code (using a sharp metal KEY):
| > > > XP1032-BOGUS81. Then it told me to put the CD in
| > > > and the reinstall would start automatically, but
| > > > nothing happened!
| >
| > "BUT NOTHING HAPPENED!..." did you really follow this
instruction?
| > Are you a BABY? And should anyone believe this CRAP?
|
| Hmm. Maybe satire doesn't play on Usenet either.
|
|

 

[Jim Macklin]

We do need a "license to drive on the Information Super
Highway" since many people obviously don't get the idea of
security at all. If users had to pass a simple 25 question
test to get a license, such as this test...
1 Does Microsoft ever email users with an attached program?
2 Are anti-virus programs 100% effective against new and
unknown viruses and worms?
3 Should a user on the Internet trust everything they read
because nothing on the Internet is dangerous, hostile, or
un-true or un-trustworthy?
4 If I install an anti-virus program last year, it is still
effective now?
5 There is no reason to look at anti-virus software sites
for news about new threats?
6 The Internet is "idiot proof" so I am protected?
7 Email that says it was sent by "A" always really came
from "A"?
8 Most voters in Palm Beach County who were confused during
the 2000 election have no problem understanding the
Internet?
9. It is safe to open attachments because they say they are
from Microsoft or your best friend Jim?
10 Buying stuff that you heard about from a spam email is a
good way to reduce the number of casino, Viagra, penis and
bust ads that you get?
11 You should always ask to be removed from list of email
that you get?
12 Computers are as simple to run as a television?
13 Al Gore invented the Internet?
14 All business opportunities on the Internet are sound
investments?
15 All the girls on the Internet are real college girls
and its their first time before the camera?
16 Email is private, no body else can ever see what you
say?
17 All the software you'll ever need comes with the
computer on sale at Wal-Mart?
18 All the laws on the books are the same in every country
and they are enforced equally?
19 Bill Gates is the Devil?
20 Microsoft is an evil business and the root of all evil?


BTW, the answer to all 20 is NO
| Help!
|
| I installed some Microsoft Updates I received
| in the mail, and now my system doesn't work
| properly.
|
| First I got a "Microsoft Critical Update" message
| which had a patch for Windows XP, Internet Explorer
| and Outlook Express. I thought "great!" But when I
| installed the patch, my anti-virus program became
| disabled, and the system began to behave strangely.
|
| The second message I got said that I might have
| been infected with a virus/worm and that I just
| received in the mail and that I needed to install
| another patch to remove it. But when I clicked on
| the executable attachment in the messages (just
| like Microsoft said that I was supposed to), my
| computer began sending messages to other people
| and monitoring the newsgroups. I didn't want it
| to do that an so I tried to shutdown, but it
| wouldn't let me!
|
| The third message I received said that my system was
| probably infected by the previous two attachments
| I had just installed, and that the only way to
| clean my system was to reinstall Windows. In this
| message, Microsoft was even nice enough to attach
| a "Reinstall Helper." All I had to do was to get my
| Windows CDs and start the "Reinstall Helper" and
| the reinstallation would go twice as fast.
|
| When I started the "Reinstall Helper," it told me
| to scratch onto the back of all of my Windows XP CD's
| this product code (using a sharp metal KEY):
| XP1032-BOGUS81. Then it told me to put the CD in
| and the reinstall would start automatically, but
| nothing happened!
|
| Then the fourth message I got from the "Microsoft
| Update Center" told me that the previous three
| messages were totally bogus and that I had installed
| three of the worst viruses/worms in Internet history.
| They even called me a dumb-ass! A hand came out of the
| computer and slapped me in the face several time.
| They made me cry. Then they told me that
| the only way to remove the viruses was to download and
| execute the next message in my mailbox.
|
| The fifth message I received said that it contained the
| "Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0." The message
| said that all I had to do was to install the cleaner,
| and all of the viruses I had downloaded would be erased.
| And so I double-clicked the attachment, and this is
| what I saw:
|
| Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0.
| Trojan
| ...activated
| ...accessing partition table
| ...cleaning...wiped
|
| ...accessing IDE track 0 startup-block
| ...low-level format done
|
| ...accessing CMOS data block
| ...clearing
|
| ...finished
|
| ALL VIRUSES AND WORMS DELETED
| press any key to not continue...
|
| Now I can't start my computer. Can anyone help me!
|
|
|

 

[Bern]

Jim, you stopped at 20. Here are the rest:

21. Aren't emails from deposed Nigerian potentates and their relatives your
big chance to score?

22. Why buy XP, when that guy at the flea market has a pirated version for
$25?

23. Is backing up data really necessary? You mean daily??

24. If you don't have DSL, should you really have to bother with a firewall?

25. Just because you have frequent power outages, does it mean you need that
expensive battery backup?

 

[Jim Macklin]

I had to leave room for somebody else to chip in. In fact,
we should have a pool of at least 100 Q so 25 different Q
can be selected for a random test. I like your selections.

Since I need a job, I hereby declare that I am the Lord of
the Internet and everybody needs to send me $100 for their
copy of the test. I will decide whether the answers are
correct and split the revenue with the IRS and Bern.

LOL


| Jim, you stopped at 20. Here are the rest:
|
| 21. Aren't emails from deposed Nigerian potentates and
their relatives your
| big chance to score?
|
| 22. Why buy XP, when that guy at the flea market has a
pirated version for
| $25?
|
| 23. Is backing up data really necessary? You mean daily??
|
| 24. If you don't have DSL, should you really have to
bother with a firewall?
|
| 25. Just because you have frequent power outages, does it
mean you need that
| expensive battery backup?
|
|
|
|
|
|
in message
| | > We do need a "license to drive on the Information Super
| > Highway" since many people obviously don't get the idea
of
| > security at all. If users had to pass a simple 25
question
| > test to get a license, such as this test...
| > 1 Does Microsoft ever email users with an attached
program?
| > 2 Are anti-virus programs 100% effective against new
and
| > unknown viruses and worms?
| > 3 Should a user on the Internet trust everything they
read
| > because nothing on the Internet is dangerous, hostile,
or
| > un-true or un-trustworthy?
| > 4 If I install an anti-virus program last year, it is
still
| > effective now?
| > 5 There is no reason to look at anti-virus software
sites
| > for news about new threats?
| > 6 The Internet is "idiot proof" so I am protected?
| > 7 Email that says it was sent by "A" always really came
| > from "A"?
| > 8 Most voters in Palm Beach County who were confused
during
| > the 2000 election have no problem understanding the
| > Internet?
| > 9. It is safe to open attachments because they say they
are
| > from Microsoft or your best friend Jim?
| > 10 Buying stuff that you heard about from a spam email
is a
| > good way to reduce the number of casino, Viagra, penis
and
| > bust ads that you get?
| > 11 You should always ask to be removed from list of
email
| > that you get?
| > 12 Computers are as simple to run as a television?
| > 13 Al Gore invented the Internet?
| > 14 All business opportunities on the Internet are
sound
| > investments?
| > 15 All the girls on the Internet are real college
girls
| > and its their first time before the camera?
| > 16 Email is private, no body else can ever see what
you
| > say?
| > 17 All the software you'll ever need comes with the
| > computer on sale at Wal-Mart?
| > 18 All the laws on the books are the same in every
country
| > and they are enforced equally?
| > 19 Bill Gates is the Devil?
| > 20 Microsoft is an evil business and the root of all
evil?
| >
| >
| > BTW, the answer to all 20 is NO
| > | > | Help!
| > |
| > | I installed some Microsoft Updates I received
| > | in the mail, and now my system doesn't work
| > | properly.
| > |
| > | First I got a "Microsoft Critical Update" message
| > | which had a patch for Windows XP, Internet Explorer
| > | and Outlook Express. I thought "great!" But when I
| > | installed the patch, my anti-virus program became
| > | disabled, and the system began to behave strangely.
| > |
| > | The second message I got said that I might have
| > | been infected with a virus/worm and that I just
| > | received in the mail and that I needed to install
| > | another patch to remove it. But when I clicked on
| > | the executable attachment in the messages (just
| > | like Microsoft said that I was supposed to), my
| > | computer began sending messages to other people
| > | and monitoring the newsgroups. I didn't want it
| > | to do that an so I tried to shutdown, but it
| > | wouldn't let me!
| > |
| > | The third message I received said that my system was
| > | probably infected by the previous two attachments
| > | I had just installed, and that the only way to
| > | clean my system was to reinstall Windows. In this
| > | message, Microsoft was even nice enough to attach
| > | a "Reinstall Helper." All I had to do was to get my
| > | Windows CDs and start the "Reinstall Helper" and
| > | the reinstallation would go twice as fast.
| > |
| > | When I started the "Reinstall Helper," it told me
| > | to scratch onto the back of all of my Windows XP CD's
| > | this product code (using a sharp metal KEY):
| > | XP1032-BOGUS81. Then it told me to put the CD in
| > | and the reinstall would start automatically, but
| > | nothing happened!
| > |
| > | Then the fourth message I got from the "Microsoft
| > | Update Center" told me that the previous three
| > | messages were totally bogus and that I had installed
| > | three of the worst viruses/worms in Internet history.
| > | They even called me a dumb-ass! A hand came out of the
| > | computer and slapped me in the face several time.
| > | They made me cry. Then they told me that
| > | the only way to remove the viruses was to download and
| > | execute the next message in my mailbox.
| > |
| > | The fifth message I received said that it contained
the
| > | "Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0." The message
| > | said that all I had to do was to install the cleaner,
| > | and all of the viruses I had downloaded would be
erased.
| > | And so I double-clicked the attachment, and this is
| > | what I saw:
| > |
| > | Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0.
| > | Trojan
| > | ...activated
| > | ...accessing partition table
| > | ...cleaning...wiped
| > |
| > | ...accessing IDE track 0 startup-block
| > | ...low-level format done
| > |
| > | ...accessing CMOS data block
| > | ...clearing
| > |
| > | ...finished
| > |
| > | ALL VIRUSES AND WORMS DELETED
| > | press any key to not continue...
| > |
| > | Now I can't start my computer. Can anyone help me!
| > |
| > |
| > |
| >
| >
|
|

 

[Jim Macklin]

Actually, #25 should be, My power company hasn't had a power
outage since 1995 so I don't need to spend $29 for a simple
UPS, do I?


| Jim, you stopped at 20. Here are the rest:
|
| 21. Aren't emails from deposed Nigerian potentates and
their relatives your
| big chance to score?
|
| 22. Why buy XP, when that guy at the flea market has a
pirated version for
| $25?
|
| 23. Is backing up data really necessary? You mean daily??
|
| 24. If you don't have DSL, should you really have to
bother with a firewall?
|
| 25. Just because you have frequent power outages, does it
mean you need that
| expensive battery backup?
|
|
|
|
|
|
in message
| | > We do need a "license to drive on the Information Super
| > Highway" since many people obviously don't get the idea
of
| > security at all. If users had to pass a simple 25
question
| > test to get a license, such as this test...
| > 1 Does Microsoft ever email users with an attached
program?
| > 2 Are anti-virus programs 100% effective against new
and
| > unknown viruses and worms?
| > 3 Should a user on the Internet trust everything they
read
| > because nothing on the Internet is dangerous, hostile,
or
| > un-true or un-trustworthy?
| > 4 If I install an anti-virus program last year, it is
still
| > effective now?
| > 5 There is no reason to look at anti-virus software
sites
| > for news about new threats?
| > 6 The Internet is "idiot proof" so I am protected?
| > 7 Email that says it was sent by "A" always really came
| > from "A"?
| > 8 Most voters in Palm Beach County who were confused
during
| > the 2000 election have no problem understanding the
| > Internet?
| > 9. It is safe to open attachments because they say they
are
| > from Microsoft or your best friend Jim?
| > 10 Buying stuff that you heard about from a spam email
is a
| > good way to reduce the number of casino, Viagra, penis
and
| > bust ads that you get?
| > 11 You should always ask to be removed from list of
email
| > that you get?
| > 12 Computers are as simple to run as a television?
| > 13 Al Gore invented the Internet?
| > 14 All business opportunities on the Internet are
sound
| > investments?
| > 15 All the girls on the Internet are real college
girls
| > and its their first time before the camera?
| > 16 Email is private, no body else can ever see what
you
| > say?
| > 17 All the software you'll ever need comes with the
| > computer on sale at Wal-Mart?
| > 18 All the laws on the books are the same in every
country
| > and they are enforced equally?
| > 19 Bill Gates is the Devil?
| > 20 Microsoft is an evil business and the root of all
evil?
| >
| >
| > BTW, the answer to all 20 is NO
| > | > | Help!
| > |
| > | I installed some Microsoft Updates I received
| > | in the mail, and now my system doesn't work
| > | properly.
| > |
| > | First I got a "Microsoft Critical Update" message
| > | which had a patch for Windows XP, Internet Explorer
| > | and Outlook Express. I thought "great!" But when I
| > | installed the patch, my anti-virus program became
| > | disabled, and the system began to behave strangely.
| > |
| > | The second message I got said that I might have
| > | been infected with a virus/worm and that I just
| > | received in the mail and that I needed to install
| > | another patch to remove it. But when I clicked on
| > | the executable attachment in the messages (just
| > | like Microsoft said that I was supposed to), my
| > | computer began sending messages to other people
| > | and monitoring the newsgroups. I didn't want it
| > | to do that an so I tried to shutdown, but it
| > | wouldn't let me!
| > |
| > | The third message I received said that my system was
| > | probably infected by the previous two attachments
| > | I had just installed, and that the only way to
| > | clean my system was to reinstall Windows. In this
| > | message, Microsoft was even nice enough to attach
| > | a "Reinstall Helper." All I had to do was to get my
| > | Windows CDs and start the "Reinstall Helper" and
| > | the reinstallation would go twice as fast.
| > |
| > | When I started the "Reinstall Helper," it told me
| > | to scratch onto the back of all of my Windows XP CD's
| > | this product code (using a sharp metal KEY):
| > | XP1032-BOGUS81. Then it told me to put the CD in
| > | and the reinstall would start automatically, but
| > | nothing happened!
| > |
| > | Then the fourth message I got from the "Microsoft
| > | Update Center" told me that the previous three
| > | messages were totally bogus and that I had installed
| > | three of the worst viruses/worms in Internet history.
| > | They even called me a dumb-ass! A hand came out of the
| > | computer and slapped me in the face several time.
| > | They made me cry. Then they told me that
| > | the only way to remove the viruses was to download and
| > | execute the next message in my mailbox.
| > |
| > | The fifth message I received said that it contained
the
| > | "Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0." The message
| > | said that all I had to do was to install the cleaner,
| > | and all of the viruses I had downloaded would be
erased.
| > | And so I double-clicked the attachment, and this is
| > | what I saw:
| > |
| > | Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0.
| > | Trojan
| > | ...activated
| > | ...accessing partition table
| > | ...cleaning...wiped
| > |
| > | ...accessing IDE track 0 startup-block
| > | ...low-level format done
| > |
| > | ...accessing CMOS data block
| > | ...clearing
| > |
| > | ...finished
| > |
| > | ALL VIRUSES AND WORMS DELETED
| > | press any key to not continue...
| > |
| > | Now I can't start my computer. Can anyone help me!
| > |
| > |
| > |
| >
| >
|
|

 

[Bern]

Jim, why do you suppose the five questions I wrote were deleted?
Did I offend Nigeria? Software pirates?
Who, other than I, could have that power?
....scratching my head over that one...

 

[Bern]

But I'll stll go in on the testing sceme with you. :>)

 

[Guest]

-----Original Message-----
Help!

I installed some Microsoft Updates I received
in the mail, and now my system doesn't work
properly.

First I got a "Microsoft Critical Update" message
which had a patch for Windows XP, Internet Explorer
and Outlook Express. I thought "great!" But when I
installed the patch, my anti-virus program became
disabled, and the system began to behave strangely.

The second message I got said that I might have
been infected with a virus/worm and that I just
received in the mail and that I needed to install
another patch to remove it. But when I clicked on
the executable attachment in the messages (just
like Microsoft said that I was supposed to), my
computer began sending messages to other people
and monitoring the newsgroups. I didn't want it
to do that an so I tried to shutdown, but it
wouldn't let me!

The third message I received said that my system was
probably infected by the previous two attachments
I had just installed, and that the only way to
clean my system was to reinstall Windows. In this
message, Microsoft was even nice enough to attach
a "Reinstall Helper." All I had to do was to get my
Windows CDs and start the "Reinstall Helper" and
the reinstallation would go twice as fast.

When I started the "Reinstall Helper," it told me
to scratch onto the back of all of my Windows XP CD's
this product code (using a sharp metal KEY):
XP1032-BOGUS81. Then it told me to put the CD in
and the reinstall would start automatically, but
nothing happened!

Then the fourth message I got from the "Microsoft
Update Center" told me that the previous three
messages were totally bogus and that I had installed
three of the worst viruses/worms in Internet history.
They even called me a dumb-ass! A hand came out of the
computer and slapped me in the face several time.
They made me cry. Then they told me that
the only way to remove the viruses was to download and
execute the next message in my mailbox.

The fifth message I received said that it contained the
"Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0." The message
said that all I had to do was to install the cleaner,
and all of the viruses I had downloaded would be erased.
And so I double-clicked the attachment, and this is
what I saw:

Microsoft Automatic Worm Cleaner v. 6.0.
Trojan
...activated
...accessing partition table
...cleaning...wiped

...accessing IDE track 0 startup-block
...low-level format done

...accessing CMOS data block
...clearing

...finished

ALL VIRUSES AND WORMS DELETED
press any key to not continue...

Now I can't start my computer. Can anyone help me!



.
I'm sorry but you are the biggest MORON on the face of

the earth. very very very very very stupid of you!!!