- Joined
- May 18, 2004
- Messages
- 6,738
- Reaction score
- 102
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA GOERS. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.
SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to SuperSnaps.
MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they
set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start
and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.
All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED PEOPLE. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police
will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE MEN. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the
pan.
ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from.
Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA GOERS. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.
SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to SuperSnaps.
MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they
set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start
and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.
All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED PEOPLE. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police
will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE MEN. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the
pan.
ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from.
Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
