cirianz
Chatter Box
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- Oct 6, 2005
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And you thought you knew History!!!
The following are actual answers given on history tests and in
Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in
Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two
teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of
course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh
a minute for us adults and therefore no time for war .... _______
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who
all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he
ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was
an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds
like he was sort of busy too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV
now.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw
for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
pentameter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died
in 1790 and is still dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in
a log cabin which he built with his own hands..
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors in a moving picture show. They believe the
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his
attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
the most famous composer in the world and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and
half English. He was very large.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was
so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the
father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing
by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the
steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which
did the work of a hundred men.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I
don't know why.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ
of the Species. It was very long and people got upset
about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of
said God's days were not just 24 hours but without
watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first
woman to do what she did. Other women have become
scientists since her but they didn't get to find
radios because they were already taken.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other
three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and
started revolutions. Someone in the family had to
have a job, I guess.
The following are actual answers given on history tests and in
Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in
Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two
teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of
course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh
a minute for us adults and therefore no time for war .... _______
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who
all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he
ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was
an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds
like he was sort of busy too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV
now.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw
for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
pentameter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died
in 1790 and is still dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in
a log cabin which he built with his own hands..
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors in a moving picture show. They believe the
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his
attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
the most famous composer in the world and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and
half English. He was very large.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was
so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the
father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing
by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the
steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which
did the work of a hundred men.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I
don't know why.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ
of the Species. It was very long and people got upset
about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of
said God's days were not just 24 hours but without
watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first
woman to do what she did. Other women have become
scientists since her but they didn't get to find
radios because they were already taken.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other
three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and
started revolutions. Someone in the family had to
have a job, I guess.
