Quad's Humour Thread

[Quadophile]

Spooky Puns

Q: What is Frankenstein's favorite waterway?
A: The Eerie Canal.

Q: What is a ghosts favorite ride at the midway?
A: A roller ghoster!!

Q: Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
A: He wants to use them later for cold cuts!!
--Johnny B. age 10, Clarksdale,MS

Q: What is Dracula's favorite coffee?
A: De'coffin'ated!

Q: What is a baby ghost's favorite game?
A: Peek-a-boo!
--Michael R. age 9 Hanford,CA

Q: How does a werewolf like his eggs for breakfast?
A: Terrorfried!
--Johnny B. age 10, Clarksdale,MS

Q: What is a Mummies' favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!
--James H. age 9, Austin,TX

Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
--Henrietta J. from the Bronx

Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving.

 

[Quadophile]

Bible Sales

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to- door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"


I am still laughing while posting this one!

 

[CITech]

Well done Quads

I can see you have had a busy evening!

 

[Quadophile]

A Jazz Chord

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.>>>>>>>

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!".

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".

Well and truly ticked off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .... (scroll down)












" A jazz chord - to say - I ruv you-u-u...!"

 

[Quadophile]

Superstition?

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a world-wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

[Quadophile]

My Dog Ate It!

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning That was about half the usual length of his sermons.

He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said,

"Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"

 

[itsme]

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

If i meet up with him when I die >Sir my ar#e

 

[Quadophile]

Clean Sweep

My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"

 

[Quadophile]

Captain and the passenger

[size=+1]A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine[size=-1] "

[/size][/size]

 

[Quadophile]

Beef Tongue

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

 

[Quadophile]

Taming the Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[muckshifter]

 

[muckshifter]

... ok, a quick one for you.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding

through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something

far off in the distance.



Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object,

only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a

card-table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have

water?"



The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you

like to buy a tie? ... They are only $150. This one

goes very nicely with your robes."



The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced

tie. I need water!"



"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you

do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I

will show you that you have not offended me. If you

walk over that hill to the east for about two miles,

you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way!

The restaurant has all the water you need!"



The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually

disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where

the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said,

"I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you

not find it?



"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie"

 

[Quadophile]

Thanks Mucks,

That was a good one

 

[Quadophile]

What the teacher REALLY means!

What a teacher says and what he/she really means.

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.

Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.

Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.

Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.

Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all quarter.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.

Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.

Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.

Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument?

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.

Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.

Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.

Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.

Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.

Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!

Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

 

[Quadophile]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the worst answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, " Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you. "

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs.Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you *******s asks her if she knows me, I'll throw
you in jail for contempt!"

 

[Quadophile]

THE PATEL FAMILY FUNERAL

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it. When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top, which read:--

Dear brothers and sisters,

I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave are all consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes( size 10 ) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta Aunty, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my teenager nephews.

Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more required let me know as Bapa is also not feeling too well nowadays...

Your loving sister,

Radhika

 

[itsme]

Your loving sister,

Radhika

Thats DEAD funny Quad

 

[Quadophile]

Some of Vincent Van Gogh's relatives :


His dizzy aunt --------------------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------------------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white ---------Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -------------------------------Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ------------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -----------------Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ----------------------------------Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt --------------------------------Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------------E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin --------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -----------Way-to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -----------------------------Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------- Go Gogh
Italian uncle -------------------------------------------Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van -----Winnie Bay Gogh

Well, there you Gogh!

 

[Rush]

Is that you play off joke entry ...shame , it really would have taken some beating