Jokes (No.2)

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Hi People Please post all your jokes here!

I know here was a jokes section several posts down, But lets make another one!

KGB-911
 
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At age 4, success is..................not weeing in your pants. At age 12, success is..................having friends. At age 20, success is..................having sex. At age 35, success is..................making money. At age 70, success is..................having sex. At age 80, success is..................having friends. At age 90, success is..................not weeing your pants.
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be
80?"
www.nuts.co.uk
 
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One man phoned his boss in the morning before work saying "I feel terrible, i have a headache, stomach ache and my leg hearts" Then his boss replyed "when i feel like that i have sex with my wife." 2 hours later the man turns up to work and goes to his boss saying "I took your advise and it worked well! By the way... You have a nice house!!!"

(for anyone who dosent get it: the man just slept with his boss's wife)
 
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this one is so bad it HAS to be said.

A man walks into a bar.

OUCH!

p.s something majorly wrong is up with the PCReview server right now... its refusing attemps to send things and its SOOO slow - took 5 mins to load this page!
 

floppybootstomp

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Chris: Server was rebooted, hence delay, should all be back to normal by now.

OK, here's an oldie.

Two geezers meet in a bar, one has his dog with him.

As they're on the second pint, the dog starts lazily licking his balls.

Geezer without the dog says to his mate 'Look at that, I wish I could do that'

Dog owner replies 'Give him a biscuit and he might let you'
 
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Here is a trrible joke that i picked up from somewhere:

What is the differance between a scottish soup and wetting yourself?

Nothing, they're both 'Cock a Leeky'
 

Quadophile

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I see where this thread is going; we do not allow jokes that would embarrass our Lady members.

I hope you all will keep it SQUEAKY CLEAN!

:)
 
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Ian

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 

Ian

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Another good one ;)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
 
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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top af a skyscraper,

The first man says "The wind is just right, i bet if i jump out of this window the wind will blow me through the window on the 10th floor"

Seccond man "Go on then, try it"

The first man jumped out of the window and got blown into the window

When he got back to the bar, the seccond man said "that looked like fun, ill try"

So he jumped, went passed the 10th floor an crashed into the ground

The bar tendor sain to the first man "You are a real git when your drunk, superman!"
 
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"For 20 years", mused the man at the bar,
"My wife and i were ectaticaly happy."
"Then what happened?" asked the barman.
"We met."
 
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"How was your holiday?" one cannibal said to another.
"Great," came the reply.
"lots of sun, sea and sand."
"So how come yo are missing a leg?"
"It was self-catering."


Woo Hoo! This is my 100th Post!!!
KGB - Does this make me a 'Senior member'?
 
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A man goes on holiday to the Holy land with his wife and mother-in-law. during the trip, the mother-in-law dies. The man goes to see an undertaker, who explanes that he will ship the the body home, but it will cost £5,000. Or they can bury it in the holy land for yust £150.

"We'll ship her home" says the son-in-law
"are you sure?" says the undertaker "That's an awfully big price"

"Look" Says the sun-in-law "two thousand years agothey burried a bloke here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that risk!"

Im a senior member

KGB

do you like my jokes?
 
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No, the last 3 came from national geographic!

We get a mini magazine trying to sell us the real one, we never ordered it.
 

Becky

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Here's one I made up whilst revising contemporary British politics in the library in June;


Which British political party can you always see right through?...


...The Conserva-Tories!

OK, I know it's not great, revision had rotted my brain ;)
 

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