[christopherpostill]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite

tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of

another song you like and hum that instead.



CINEMA GOERS. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by

having a p*ss before the film starts.



RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by

actually speaking clearly in the first place.



DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your

identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along

with your old bank statements.



WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking

red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to

remove the stains.



SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial

tomfoolery after a trip to SuperSnaps.



MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.



BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm

sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they

set one of their dogs on you.



EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.



MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to

the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save

your wife from having to do it.



GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself

by Royal Mail.



BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a

very small horse is approaching.



BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by

not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.



ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.



DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your

horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start

and send them on their way.



PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving

everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the

morning, simply move it all back again.



CAR THIEVES. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.

All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.



DEPRESSED PEOPLE. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',

simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.



MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst

driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police

will think you are listening to the sea.



SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.



SINGLE MEN. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing

outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and

occasionally glancing inside.



BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg

into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.

After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the

pan.



ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from.

Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.



McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend

in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

[Becky]

I don't know why, but the pistachio one really tickled me

[muckshifter]

The first one cracked me up ... I just had to put a CD on.

[NR117]

They're all good except the Blind people one might offend some blind people (there's a reason for those dark glasses).

[Tango_and_Saucepans]

But blind people can't read this thread!

Why do they wear dark glasses?

[Adywebb]

I also think the one about cinema goers might upset those in the audience with weak bladders............

[Tango_and_Saucepans]

And ALL girls are offended by the one about pretending to have a girlfriend, because only kids and elderly shop at Etam.

Maybe if the guy was pretending to go out with an under 8 or over 60.

And we don't take that long to choose what to buy! I mean if guys chose to go shopping with us they can't complain when we look for stuff to buy!

[Adywebb]

Not happy about the Car Thieves one either - are you trying to insult their intelligence Chris......

[christopherpostill]

I would be happy to insult a car theif any day of the week B******S!

Haha... i didn't write this though so cant take credit...

[Cache-man]

Haha, I laughed so hard at that.
Particularly like the one about DHL parcels!