Installing LOVE

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to
install it now. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you
located your HEART, ma'am?

Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several other programs running
right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running, ma'am?

Customer: Let's see... I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE,
GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running now.

Tech Support: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will
eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called
HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE
and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly
installed. Can you turn those off, ma'am?


Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke
FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until it's erased
the programs you don't want.

Customer: Okay, now LOVE has started installing itself
automatically. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will
reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes, I do. Is it completely installed?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get
the upgrades.

Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?

Tech Support: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412-PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL
COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

Tech Support: Don't worry, ma'am, that's a common problem. It means
that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTs but has not
yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated
programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have
to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.


Customer: So what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-
ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Tech Support: Excellent. You're getting good at this. Now, click on
the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory:
FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC.
The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching
any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELF-CRITIC.EXE from
all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make
sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that
PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my
HEART. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but
eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is
installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. Ah,
one more thing.

Customer: Yes?

Tech Support: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various
modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other
people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.

Customer: I will! Thanks for your help!


Remember, LOVE is Freeware!
PASS IT ON!!!

Wife 1.0 Just Released

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you please help me !!!???

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER


------------------------------------------------------------
Dear TROUBLED USER,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support