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Quad's Humour Thread

 
 
Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      29th May 2012
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



Scroll down...You'll love this ..











'You got Male!'





 

 
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Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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Location: Sugar Land, TX
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      29th May 2012
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.





 

 
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Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      29th May 2012
A
is for
apple, and B is for
boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is

what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic
instead.

Now - The Geriatric Alphabet


A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H .. High blood pressure--I'd rather it low;

I .. For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,

Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

*I've survived

all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six
doctors fully employed!!!

Wow! The pleasures of growing old.





 

 
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Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      29th May 2012
IRISH GAS STATION

While driving home from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his

new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in
typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is.. "Top o' the mornin'
to ya."
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.


"They're called tees," replies Tiger.


"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.


"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.


"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.

"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"




 

 
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Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      29th May 2012
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. (I think more than that can read it)


i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!




 

 
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      29th May 2012
Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to
the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.


The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of

Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What's that?'


The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'


'Yeah.'


'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that

you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'


'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think

logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'


'And because you have a house, I think that you might logicall y have a

family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'


'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must

have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you
must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all

of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves

to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he
is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'


Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'


'No.'


'Then you're a queer.'






 

 
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      29th May 2012
All Seniors aren't Senile!


An older, white haired man walked into a jewellers store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.


He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.


The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'


At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.


The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.


The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'


The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old
man. 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

Don't mess with Old People.




 

 
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      29th May 2012
Panhandlers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......

They panhandle on different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.


Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.


Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".


Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars"


Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"?


Jose shows Carlos his sign......

It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico .




 

 
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      14th Nov 2012
 
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Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      15th Nov 2012
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.


When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"


He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.



 

 
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