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Quad's Humour Thread

 
 
Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      3rd Apr 2006
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"





 

 
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Captain Crunchie, Retired
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      3rd Apr 2006

 

I am the dreadful menace. The one whose will is done. The haunting chill upon your neck. I am the Conundrum.
 
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Captain Crunchie, Retired
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      3rd Apr 2006
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding

through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something

far off in the distance.



Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object,

only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a

card-table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have

water?"



The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you

like to buy a tie? ... They are only $150. This one

goes very nicely with your robes."



The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced

tie. I need water!"



"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you

do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I

will show you that you have not offended me. If you

walk over that hill to the east for about two miles,

you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way!

The restaurant has all the water you need!"



The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually

disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where

the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said,

"I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you

not find it?



"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie"



 

I am the dreadful menace. The one whose will is done. The haunting chill upon your neck. I am the Conundrum.
 
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Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      3rd Apr 2006
Thanks Mucks,

That was a good one

 

 
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Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      4th Apr 2006
What a teacher says and what he/she really means.

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.

Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.

Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.

Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.

Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all quarter.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.

Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.

Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.

Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument?

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.

Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.

Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.

Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.

Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.

Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!

Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.





 

 
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      6th Apr 2006
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the worst answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, " Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you. "

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs.Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you *******s asks her if she knows me, I'll throw
you in jail for contempt!"





 

 
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Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      6th Apr 2006
THE PATEL FAMILY FUNERAL

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it. When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top, which read:--

Dear brothers and sisters,

I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave are all consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes( size 10 ) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta Aunty, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my teenager nephews.

Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more required let me know as Bapa is also not feeling too well nowadays...

Your loving sister,

Radhika






 

 
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      6th Apr 2006
Quote:
Your loving sister,

Radhika




Thats DEAD funny Quad

 
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In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right... something is wrong.
 
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Hon. Acoustical Engineer
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      7th Apr 2006
Some of Vincent Van Gogh's relatives :


His dizzy aunt --------------------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------------------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white ---------Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -------------------------------Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ------------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -----------------Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ----------------------------------Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt --------------------------------Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------------E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin --------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -----------Way-to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -----------------------------Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------- Go Gogh
Italian uncle -------------------------------------------Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van -----Winnie Bay Gogh

Well, there you Gogh!







 

 
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Cool Cruncher
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      7th Apr 2006
Is that you play off joke entry ...shame , it really would have taken some beating

 



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