[itsme]

WALKING THE DOG

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney
Along the way. The flight attendant explained that
There would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
To get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
In 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
Blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and
Could tell the lady was blind because her Guide
Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
Throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
Name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost
An hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would
like to stretch his legs.'



All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
When they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
With a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!



True story... Have a great day and remember...

...THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A

DAY WASTED!!!


-----------------------------
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt



Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain



The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea:

Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge



Be careful about reading health books.

You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates




I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx



My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe..

- Jimmy Durante



I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor



Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine



My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield



Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan



Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath



I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope



I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields



We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress..

- Will Rogers



Don't worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller



By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal



And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.



-------------------------
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;

YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

[Madxgraphics]

Well that sure cheered my grouchy ar*e up a wee bit...

[TriplexDread]

lol very good

[Abarbarian]

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Classic

[historian]

Very good Itsme,classics.

historian

[Nobody in particular]

Very good. Like the end one

[captain zed]

Good stuff.....i liked the jimmy Durante one best and, you don't hear his name everyday.